"Happy" New Year - with an alcohol abuser ???

This phrase that rolls off our tongue at this time of year - "Happy New Year!" - may seem very HOLLOW to those living with an active drinker, or alcoholic.

HOW could it be "Happy" ?  Everything is destroyed by your drinker!

Things DO NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.

The teachings of the Al-Anon Family Groups have made a difference for thousands around the world, showing how to have some sort of decent life EVEN WHILE  LIVING  WITH  AN  ALCOHOLIC.

What teachings? The learning from experience by hundreds of people, distilled into understandable do-it-yourself terms which have helped me and thousands more.  These teachings came from EXPERIENCE, not books or some academic's head.

For instance:

• The alcoholic is destroying his or her life - that is THEIR CHOICE and you can do NOTHING about it.  They have to find a way to stop themselves drinking.
• BUT - YOUR LIFE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE DESTROYED TOO!

Think about this:

• You Can Choose Not to Be Destroyed too
  
• The secret is  -------  DETACHMENT from the DRINKING (NOT the drinker)

This means CHOOSING not to fret, get angry, take revenge, freeze over, or do whatever you do when your drinker hits the bottle again.

YOU can CHOOSE to do something different:

• Let the drinker do what they have to do - drink.
• Because YOU CANNOT get them to stop yourself
• Instead, look for ways to do something for YOURSELF that will make your life better for the day
• Maybe you have to try to do something else for an hour at a time at first, until you get used to the idea
• It means TAKING YOUR ATTENTION OFF THE DRINKER
• AND ONTO YOURSELF.
• Try to do things that you like to do - call a friend or relative, visit someone, get back to that hobby, read, have a bath, have a massage, get a hair job, anything that is for YOU.

SOUNDS SELFISH?

Remember : we are now talking about your SURVIVAL as a rational human being - this is an attempt at retaining YOUR SANITY!

Living with an alcoholic forces us to appreciate the simple things and pleasures of life, that we often take for granted.

BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE AROUND YOU.

FOCUS ON THESE THINGS - NOT YOUR DRINKER!

WHAT's AL-ANON?

Look into those HELP pages and you will find out - that's where I got help and survived living with an active drinker.

SURVIVING CHRISTMAS ...

This is for those of you who are living with an active alcohol abuser.

Christmas should be a time of good cheer, warm family gatherings, a sense of new life, giving, love and peace. For us living with alcohol abuse, it can be the complete opposite.

Family don't come or if they do there's a lot of bad feelings and maybe arguments, plans for lovely Christmas dinners can be ruined, nasty stuff can happen, violence even.

So what can WE do, those of us who choose to live with an active drinker? Well, here are some thoughts that I hope may help you enjoy what you can this Christmas.

• Don't expect too much - unfulfilled expectations = resentment. So just plan for simple things and don't expect everything to go smoothly. Just take it as it comes. Anything better than you expected is a BONUS!
• Keep it simple - the less arrangements made the fewer apologies you'll have to make if your loved one drinks themself out of it all.
• Plan things that YOU can control - don't rely on your loved one being up and involved. They may be, and that would be a blessing. But organise things to suit yourself.
• Do simple things yourself that you will enjoy or consider important: go to church alone, visit nearby family alone, have a dinner even if you eat it by yourself, go to the movies, whatever.
• Don't fret for what is not - be thankful for what you have. There ARE those worse off than you, I am sure.
• Live in the moment - don't moan over losses nor worry about what else can go wrong - just live minute by minute and enjoy what you can. 
• Focus on the true meaning of Christmas - not the commercial hype of present giving. If you're not sure what the true meaning is - find out!
• Remember your loved one is sick - being controlled by the drug alcohol, and is not being nasty just to spoil your Christmas - try to understand how sick he or she is.

I hope this message helps someone out there - and to all who read this note I send my sincere Best Wishes for a peaceful Christmas and a better New Year!  Thank you for reading my blogs.

HOW DO I STOP GETTING ANGRY?

When my partner drank, despite my efforts to stop her, I used to get angry. It's a common emotion to feel when you are faced with uncontrolled drinking that is wrecking your lives.

I had to attend Al-Anon meetings to learn that my anger was understandable, but useless and negative. (see the HELP PAGES opposite to find out about what Al-Anon is and how it can help).

I learned that I was powerless over alcohol and could do NOTHING to stop my wife drinking.  NOTHING.

When I felt angry and frustrated I took my anger out on something else, NOT MY WIFE.

I used to walk and swear and curse out loud. I have punched pillows to work off anger. You can run, swim, jump, exercise, do something PHYSICAL to work the anger off. Chopping wood would be excellent!

Not choke it down - too much of that 'internalising' your anger will cause YOU harm. No, WORK IT OFF somehow.

Read previous blogs about ALCOHOLISM as a DISEASE, and COMPASSION, FORGIVENESS.

Realise that your drinking is suffering from a mental disease that has gripped their mind. THEY are the only ones that can find a way out of their Hell - by stopping the drinking. To do that they will probably need the help of AA - Alcoholics Anonymous.  Support them if they want to go to an AA meeting.

My best advice for YOU is to try to get to an Al-Anon meeting yourself - this is where I found help and it eventually saved our marriage from breaking up.

Try it.

GOOD TIMES - IN BETWEEN DRINKS.....

It's hard living with someone who drinks MOST of the time.  We get ANGRY and RESENTFUL.

So what happens when our loved one stops drinking for a while?

We sometimes REACT and GET REVENGE!  We often tell them, now that they are sober and will hear us, how badly they have treated us and all the trouble they have caused and what the neighbours said and all those bills haven't been paid and the list goes on .... WE GET ALL OUR FRUSTRATION OFF OUR CHEST!

And, maybe give the drinker a REASON TO START DRINKING AGAIN !!!

GOT THAT?  By haranguing our sober drinker we may actually make them want to blot the world out by escaping into the comfortable world of being drunk - there's no pain there.

So instead of beating on your temporarily sober drinker - try this:

• PUSH YOUR ANGER AWAY FOR A WHILE - read previous POSTS about ANGER
• BE NICE TO THEM -even if it goes against your grain
• DO THINGS THAT YOU BOTH USED TO ENJOY
• TRY TO MAKE SOBER TIMES GOOD TIMES
  
• TRY TO MAKE SOBER TIMES GOOD TIMES.

GIVE THEM A REASON TO BE SOBER !!!!

Try to do this every time they stop drinking, even if only for a little while.

Remember, very often for your drinker  IT HURTS TO BE SOBER - THE WORLD IS A HURTFUL PLACE - IT'S NICER TO BE DRUNK.

To undo that, you can try the above.

I did and it helped my wife along the road to finding sobriety. Not the main thing, just something positive.

AA helped her make the break.

Al-Anon helped me stay in the marriage with HOPE that one day she would stop drinking.

And one day, she did.  But of course, some people just cannot stop drinking. But that is another story .......

LET THE CONSEQUENCES HAPPEN

One of the things we all do when we struggle to live with an alcohol abuser is to hide all the awful things that happen when our loved one is drunk.

This is only natural: we are so ashamed that we try to cover things up from the view of others. Vomit on the floors; urine where it should not be; our loved on lying on the floor or out in the yard; our loved one going out badly dressed or even naked; crashing the car; falling over in public; yelling abuse at friends: I have seen or heard about all of these things.

We may phone up with an excuse when our loved one is too drunk to go to work; we may have to break dinner engagements due to our loved one's drunkenness; there seems to be endless situations that we may have to cope with.

But as we learn more about the disease of alcoholism, we learn that sometime or other, we have to let our drinker suffer the consequences of their drinking.  This may mean they lose their job, their friends, their children.

But as long as we cover up the nasty stuff, the drinker has no reason to think about stopping. After all, if they can drink and the world does not stop, then what's the problem?

Or to  put it another way: by covering up the mess our drinker makes, how are they going to see the mess that they are making of everyone's lives around them? Including their own!

Drinkers often need a reason to think about stopping the alcohol abuse.  We need to help them see a reason.

We have to learn this 'letting the consequences happen' , and this is one of the things I had to learn.  My journey is outlined in the 'Help Pages' - I hope you find some help too.

MOVING ON EMOTIONALLY

For the past few posts we have been talking about the emotions we go through when we live with an active alcohol abuser.

This series of feelings many of us go through are:

DISBELIEF > DENIAL > ANGER > BITTERNESS > RESENTMENT > SADNESS >  COMPASSION > FORGIVENESS > LOVE.

If you have not read my previous posts covering this process, please read them now.

So, what use is it knowing where along the continuum of the process we are?

What use is it to realise we are stuck on say Resentment.

Well here is a way you CAN USE this information.

When you find yourself with feelings at one of the stages above - 

YOU  CAN  READ  UP  ABOUT  THAT  STAGE or EMOTION

So, if you find yourself feeling say ANGRY or RESENTFUL - read about it:

• Look at my previous posts - see if I have written about it
• Look on the Net for articles on the subject
• Buy a book on the subject, or go to your Library
  

The point is - FIND  OUT  ABOUT  WHAT  YOU  ARE  FEELING  AND  LOOK  FOR  WAYS  TO COPE WITH  IT.

YOU  DO  NOT  HAVE  TO  BE  STUCK  WITH  SOME  UNHEALTHY  EMOTION - By study you can move past it.

YOU  DO  NOT  HAVE  TO  BE  ANGRY  or  RESENTFUL  for the rest of your days!

Remember:  it is only harming YOU when you hold unhealthy emotions like Anger, Resentment or even feeling like a Victim.

You CAN do something about it!

We have been looking at the series of emotions we seem to go through when we live with an alcohol abuser,
and they are:

DISBELIEF > DENIAL > ANGER > BITTERNESS > RESENTMENT > SADNESS >  COMPASSION > FORGIVENESS > LOVE.

And today we will look at "Coming out of the dark tunnel" - FORGIVENESS

If we have been working through these feelings and now can feel some COMPASSION for the plight of our drinker, soon we can think of FORGIVING THEM for all they have done.

If we realise that their brain is now being controlled by the drug ALCOHOL we can realise too that they have lost control of their life.  ALCOHOL is now running their life.

Perhaps the biggest challenge in life faced by your drinker will be : To STOP DRINKING.  This is very difficult for most drinkers and really, they will mostly need the help of AA to do it.

Maybe now we can start to see the situation differently - they cannot help what they are doing, they being controlled by Alcohol.  Perhaps we can feel PITY for them at this time.

What many of us have learned is to overcome ANGER and RESENTMENT we have to try to:

FORGIVE  THEM

Yes, try to FORGIVE the drinker for drinking, for all the harm they have done, for all the bad things that have happened.

WHY?

Because:  HOLDING ONTO OUR ANGER AND RESENTMENT ONLY HURTS US!

WE are the ones that will suffer if we hold onto grudges, resentment or anger - these negative emotions will do physiological harm to our bodies if we do it long enough.

There is no peace of mind if you hold anger, resentment, a grudge, blame.

TO HAVE ANY SORT OF MEANINGFUL LIFE WE HAVE TO LET GO OF ANGER.

THE ONLY WAY WE CAN COPE IS TO FIND SOME PEACE IN OUR LIVES DESPITE WHAT THE DRINKER IS DOING.

I have shown you one way yo find some peace in your life.

Please think about the HEALING POWER OF FORGIVENESS.....

HAVING COMPASSION

Recently we have been working through the feelings we go through in the early times of living with an alcohol abuser. We seem to go through definite stages as follows:

DISBELIEF > DENIAL > ANGER > BITTERNESS > RESENTMENT > SADNESS >  COMPASSION > FORGIVENESS > LOVE.

In previous posts we have worked through the feelings from Disbelief to Resentment - have a look back at previous posts if you have just joined this blog.

Now we can look at COMPASSION..  This feeling of compassion for our alcohol abuser can come after  SADNESS passes and we begin to learn one thing:

OUR ALCOHOL ABUSER IS IN THE GRIP OF A POWERFUL DRUG - MIND CONTROLLING, CUNNING, BAFFLING, TAKING OVER THEIR LIFE.

Your drinker now has the biggest fight of their life on their hands - can they overcome the urge to drink?

The World Health Organisation lists Alcoholism as one of the world's major health issues, and it is classified by most in the health area as a disease of the mind.

Realising this - that your partner is suffering from a powerful mental disease or disorder, how can you maintain feelings of ANGER or RESENTMENT against them?

What if they suffered from M.S., or Poliomyelitis, or Cancer - would you be angry with them then?

I'm sure you would not. You would feel COMPASSION, would you not?

So you can learn to feel COMPASSION for your drinker. Remember:

They are not doing it to spite you,

They are not doing it because they do not love you,

They are not doing it because they are a bad person

They are not doing it because they are dumb.....

THEY ARE DRINKING BECAUSE THEY ARE UNABLE TO STOP - 

THEIR MIND IS BEING CONTROLLED  BY

ALCOHOL

SO  THINK  ABOUT  IT -  CAN  YOU  BEGIN  TO  FEEL  SOME  COMPASSION?

WHAT  IF  IT  WAS  YOU???

MORE ON RESENTMENT .....

Another thought on RESENTMENT is this ...

IF we have UNREALISTIC  EXPECTATIONS, we are just setting ourselves up for MORE  RESENTMENT ..... when those expectations are not met.

Confused?

Here is an example:

Let's say you expect your partner to stop drinking.

They don't

Then you get resentful AGAIN.

Why? 

It was unrealistic to expect him/her to stop drinking - just because you wanted them to stop.

A drinker cannot stop drinking unless they really make up their OWN MIND to stop.

Having unreal expectations about all sorts of things in life can result in resentment when those expectations are not met.

What to do?

Be REALISTIC IN WHAT YOU EXPECT.  Especially of your alcohol abuser. They have perhaps a long way to go until .... THEY  FIND A REASON TO STOP DRINKING.

THEIR reason - NOT  YOUR REASON.

Maybe you have ACCEPT  that your drinker cannot stop drinking.  ACCEPTANCE  HELPS.

So, watch out for unrealistic expectations!

RESENTMENT

Recently we have been looking at the PROCESS we go through with our emotions when we live with an alcohol abuser - here it is again:
DISBELIEF > DENIAL > ANGER > BITTERNESS > RESENTMENT > SADNESS >  COMPASSION > FORGIVENESS > LOVE.

So now we will look at BITTERNESS and RESENTMENT as part of the feelings we go through.

After our ANGER subsides somewhat, we often find we are feeling BITTER - we may have thoughts like:

• Why ME?
• What have I done to deserve this?
• It's his/her fault we are in this mess!
• I hate this situation I'm in.

Most often this morphs into RESENTMENT - and we may think:

• I hate it when he/she drinks
• Our life is going down the toilet
• I wish I was with someone else
• He/she is damaging our life
• And so on  - WE  HOLD  A  GRUDGE  AGAINST  OUR  DRINKER

This is what happens to most of us. We feel resentful.

Problem is - negative feelings like Resentment, if held long enough, can start to cause us physiological problems - our body will be affected - our health will suffer - this is well understood now.

SO  HOW  DO  WE  LOSE  OUR  RESENTMENT?

The answer to Resentment is ---- FORGIVENESS!

HOW can we FORGIVE what our drinker is doing to us??

BY UNDERSTANDING that alcohol abuse is an ILLNESS.   The WORLD  HEALTH  AUTHORITY  RECOGNIZES  ALCOHOLISM  AS  A  DISEASE.

A DISEASE OF THE MIND..... you may have trouble accepting this for a while, so if you do not want to take my word for it. do some reading.

So if it IS  a DISEASE, we can feel some COMPASSION for the plight our drinker is in.

Have a look at a previous post of mine on July 8 2013 entitled: HOW  DO  I  DEAL  WITH  MY  RESENTMENT?|

Read that and see if you can begin to feel some compassion,  the drinker is not doing this to hurt you - they are in the grip of a powerful mental condition.

Do some research for yourself.  Try to feel some understanding and compassion for your drinker.

It's not their fault they cannot handle alcohol - its a medical condition.

ANGER and BITTERNESS

Recently we have been looking at the PROCESS we go through when we struggle to live with an alcohol abuser - and here is the process:

DISBELIEF > DENIAL > ANGER > BITTERNESS > RESENTMENT > SADNESS >  COMPASSION > FORGIVENESS > LOVE.

See the post of 9 /8/2013 that covered this in general.

Now we are going to look at ANGER and BITTERNESS 

This is how we feel when we stop denying we have a problem in our lives - then we get angry.

We may think: WHY ME?-   HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO US? -   WHY DON"T THEY JUST STOP DRINKING!! - WHY  DON"T THEY LISTEN TO ME?

It is natural to get ANGRY but it does not do us, NOR THE DRINKER, any good.

We may vent our anger on our helpless drinker - that IS NOT GOOD.....

If we show anger to our drinker, it may just give them a REAL REASON TO KEEP DRINKING!

So no one gets any better.

Could I suggest that you look back at some of my earlier posts on ANGER -

• HANDLING OUR ANGER - 28/7/2013
• AN ANSWER TO OUR ANGER - 18/4/2013

I am sure you will find a lot of suggestions there that will help.

But for right now, try to remember --  DO NOT TAKE YOUR ANGER OUT ON YOUR DRINKER

Try to WORK IT OFF somehow - walk, punch a pillow, jog, jump up and down, do pushups, do something physical to bleed off your anger.

YOU will feel better AND you will NOT MAKE THE DRINKING GET WORSE!

GETTING HELP

Last time I talked about the PROCESS we seem to go through when living with an alcohol abuser - and to recap, this was:

DISBELIEF > DENIAL > ANGER > BITTERNESS > RESENTMENT > SADNESS >  COMPASSION > FORGIVENESS > LOVE.

That's what we seem to have to work through - there don't seem to be any shortcuts: we don't seem to able to move from ANGER for instance right through to FORGIVENESS without spending time with the feelings in between.

But this time I'd like to talk about being stuck in the stages of DISBELIEF  or  DENIAL.

This is where we first start out when confronted with our loved one being drunk most of the time.  Its too hard to accept what is going on: we don't want to know about it; we wish it would just go away.

But it goes on.  And we begin to feel angry, and the anger will grow, fuelled by our frustration.

Its right about this stage we should look for help - because the coming anger will do us and those around us a lot of harm.  It would be much better to reach out for help:

 ............ AS SOON AS WE CAN ACCEPT THE REALITY OF THE DRINKING.

The sooner we ACCEPT there is a PROBLEM in our lives, the sooner we can reach out for help.

I reached out to AL-ANON  FAMILY  GROUPS  for help - I found out where the  nearest meeting was and went to that.  I started to feel better because there I found people who had suffered just like I was now doing - and they had found peace in their lives through the Al-Anon program.

So message for today is:  ACCEPT  you have a problem > REACH OUT FOR HELP.

Check out the HELP PAGES to see how I found help.

WHY DO I FEEL AS I DO?

Living with an alcohol abuser is not easy, as we know.  Our feelings are constantly in turmoil with anger and resentment being very common among us.

I was stuck with feeling resentment against my drinking wife at one time, and wondered why I felt that way - why didn't it pass?

I mentioned my predicament to a wise long-time member of Al-Anon Family Groups, who explained to  me the process we go through while living with an alcoholic. Our feelings seem to go through a process, or different stages.  as we live with a drinker. It goes like this:

• DISBELIEF - at first we cannot believe what is happening to us, to what our drinker is doing to our lives
• DENIAL - we may deny what is going on, to our friends, family, workmates - we are too ashamed to face or admit what we are living with
• ANGER - we naturally become angry once we realise what is going on in our lives - and many of us get stuck here..... 
• BITTERNESS - we may feel bitter about our lot, feel like victims - why us?
• RESENTMENT - our anger may subside with time, but then we harbour feelings of resentment against our drinker - we may hit back at them for the slightest reason - we think about hurting them any way we can perhaps .. it's not healthy, but a lot of us hold a grudge for some time
• SADNESS - we may then have feelings of sadness about the life we have lost, the lover we have lost, because of the alcohol abuse.
• COMPASSION - with help we come to understand that our loved one is in the grip of a powerful mental disease, and we can begin to feel some compassion for them...
• FORGIVENESS - we are making real progress on OUR recovery when we accept the disease is controlling our loved one, and we can begin to forgive them for what they have done to us

• LOVE - we may even see that we still love the person despite the affects of the alcohol, and start to free ourselves from the affects of the drinking, while still loving our real person.

When these stages were explained to me, I understood that what I was feeling - resentment at that time - was a normal part of what we go through when we live with an alcoholic, and I could see a way to move on. I began to read about resentment and how to move past it : the answer was: FORGIVENESS.

More next time .... if you are wondering what "AL-ANON Family Groups"s are, please read through my HELP PAGES over on the right - AL-ANON is where I got help that worked.

HANDLING OUR ANGER

One of my most-read posts was "An Answer to our Anger" - April 18, 2013, so it seems anger is a wide-spread problem when living with an alcohol abuser.  It was for me too.

It is a negative emotion if though quite a natural one - so we need to do something constructive with it rather than:

• yelling at our drinker
• hitting them 
• abusing or hurting them with harsh words

 - all these things just give them a reason to reach for another drink!

So what can we do?  Here a few ways of getting rid of our anger:

• Re-read my post of April 18
• Get a pillow and punch your anger out on it
• Go outside and yell your anger - swear if it helps!
• Get out of the house and do some exercise - 
• walk  or run
• chop some wood
• dig a garden
• play squash or some other sport
•  do some shadow boxing
• punch a punching bag
• ride a bike or exercise bike
• swim
• sing
• climb
• do anything physical - BUT DO NOT
  
• TOUCH YOUR DRINKER
• TAKE IT OUT ON THEM
• TAKE REVENGE

Remember they are SICK, very sick, and right now can only be as they are, until they realise what alcohol is doing to them, and to everything around them.

And remember the "Serenity Prayer" from a few weeks ago - it has a wonderful calming affect on us.

And make enquiries about your nearest Al-Anon meeting.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE FUTURE - WHAT CAN I DO?

When our lives are a constant mess and we don't know what to do, we often find ourselves worrying over what is going to happen to us and our relationship. We may have all sorts of worries confronting us and we find it harder and harder to think constructively: WE  WORRY most of the time.

What can we do?

One of the greatest gifts in life is to learn to live ONE  DAY  AT  A  TIME.

What this means is:

• Do what you have to do today to get by - do what must be done today
  
• Try to stop foreseeing all the problems ahead of us: what can you really do about things that have not happened yet?
  
• Concentrate on living this one day - after all, in reality it is all any of us have - just today. Actually, JUST RIGHT NOW!  Anything could happen in the next few hours. So there is nothing we can do except live RIGHT  NOW.
  
• Think about living IN  THE  MOMENT,  in the NOW.  If you feel worried, bring your mind back to what is going on around you right now. Do something for yourself to keep busy and concentrate on that.
  
• Realise that you cannot control the future - therefore things will happen that you do not expect.  Instead of worrying about what might happen, think that whatever it is, you will cope with it IF and WHEN it might happen. Until then, a worry is just a negative thought.
  
• Read more about LIVING IN THE MOMENT.
  
• Get through this day as best you can, and let tomorrow take care of itself.

That is actually what recovering alcoholics try to do: get through one day at a time, THIS day, without a drink, and don't even think about tomorrow. They concentrate on TODAY.

I hope this helps someone out there cope a little better by learning a new way to survive and live on.

HOW DO I STOP ARGUING ALL THE TIME?

Very often our drinker will needle us to get an argument going, try to stir us up to lose our temper.

What happens?

We usually get upset and respond by arguing back, making counter accusations, venting our anger in awful words, yelling at them because of our frustration with the situation.

Just what the drinker wants - we have now given them all the nasty things we have just said about them - and that means they now have another reason to have a drink, because :  you have hurt them - they will have yet another drink because it's your fault!

Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But that's what an irrational, alcohol-affected mind thinks like.

They try to get you to lose your temper to justify them having another drink.

And there may be another reason your sick alcoholic may try to start an argument:

Sometime the drinker feels so bad and guilty about drinking that they will try to take it out on you - in an attempt to make themselves feel better.

So what to do?

WE  DON'T  ENTER  INTO  ARGUMENTS.

When you hear the words from your loved drinker that means he or she is looking to start an argument, you can CHOOSE  to do a few things:

• Realise that an argument is coming and decide not to take part
• Just don't respond to what is flung at you - it is not coming from a rational person
• Start reciting the Serenity Prayer to yourself in your mind ( see my previous Post) as this will take your mind off what is being said
• Start doing something with your hands - anything - prepare a meal, set the table, do some sewing, weed the garden, make something, draw, knit, something manual
• Get out of the room and go somewhere else, out for a coffee, see a friend, go for a walk, leave them to it
• Do some exercise
• Don't go out and kick the dog - it's not his fault either! 
• Pretend to read something - it will help you to keep your mouth shut - it looks like you are reading but you my actually just be sitting there - doesn't matter - it gives you the appearance of not listening
• Practice some breathing exercises - a simple one is to breathe in for say 4 or 6 seconds through your nose, then breathe out slowly through pursed lips while you count 50% longer: 6 to 9 seconds. Keep doing this. It will occupy your mind and you will stop listening. There are many breathing exercises - look them up.

These are a few practical things you can do to avoid taking part in an argument. Make up your own.

The principle is that if you take part in an argument with a drunk you are giving them a reason to reach for the bottle again.

CAN I FIND SOME PEACE WHEN I FEEL UPSET?

Very often we may feel distracted, obsessed, angry, resentful or completely lost.  That's what it's like living with someone who is abusing alcohol.

So, what can we do? Can we avoid these negative feelings when our drinker is driving us out of our mind?

There are a few ways to detach ourselves from the drinker, to get a little peace in our minds.

One that is used by thousands of people around the world in our situation is:

To recite the "Serenity Prayer" ----  of course it will be good to learn it off by heart - it's not long:

"God,

Grant  me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage, to change the things I can,

And Wisdom to know the difference."

It is very worthwhile to learn this simple prayer off by heart - it will always help to calm you down when you feel stressed. Most of us say it to ourselves a couple of times or more, when we are upset, confused, angry or  maybe cannot get to sleep.

Think of what the words mean:

• I have to accept the drinking - I cannot change it
• I can change MY ATTITUDE to the drinker - I can choose not to get involved with anger etc.
• I need to sort out what I CAN change from those things I CANNOT change, then do something to help myself - remember: there is very little I can do to help the drinker. But - I can help myself.

Saying this prayer will take our mind off what is going on around us, give us some Serenity, and help us do something to help ourselves,

Write it down and learn the Serenity Prayer - it will pay big dividends for the rest of your life.

It is priceless to learn to find Serenity while living with an alcohol abuser - it helps us cope.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH MY RESENTMENT?

Feeling resentful is something we commonly feel, we who live with an alcohol abuser. Maybe we were angry, or felt deeply hurt, and very often this turns into RESENTMENT.

We feel resentful that the drinker is hurting US so much - or resentful about all the good times we are missing out on because of their drinking - or resentful that it is happening to us,(why me?) Or resentful that our lives have been turned upside-down, made into a real mess.  It is common for us to feel resentful toward the drinker.

The bad news for us is that feeling resentful does us more harm, on top of what the drinker is doing to us. Hanging on to negative feelings such as anger, hate, revenge or resentment work against our peace of mind and if kept up for long enough will begin to cause us some physical problems. Negative emotions can harm us.

So what can we do?

We have to move past the feelings of resentment.  How?

One way is to remember that our drinker is suffering from a disease - we have discussed this earlier, but it is true. The drinker is NOT doing this to hurt us - he or she is under the control of a powerful drug that is twisting their mind.

So if it's a disease, it's like our loved one had MS, or an ulcer, or Aids - self inflicted perhaps, but none-the-less a disease.  SO -

As it IS a disease, cannot we feel some compassion for them?  We could feel compassion if it was say MS, so why not if it is Alcoholism?

Some people have this weakness for alcohol - they cannot handle it and it gradually takes control of their mind.  Think of this:

IT COULD BE ME!

Had you ever thought that YOU could be just as affected by alcohol as your drinker? But for a quirk of genetic fate, YOU could be an alcoholic too.

Given the above, can you now see a reason to feel some compassion for your drinker? 

And then think about :

FORGIVENESS.

Because my friend, FORGIVENESS is the antidote to destructive Resentment.

Please think about this and try to find some forgiveness in your heart for your alcoholic.  You cannot approve of what they are doing, but you can learn to forgive them.

This step of FORGIVENESS is the first step to our own recovery, to get us out of the dreadful and destructive merry-go-round of anger- resentment - anger.

I hope that you find this helpful.  And I thank those of you who  are following my blog - it helps me keep going, knowing that I may be helping someone out there in the wide world somewhere. 

May God Bless YOU all.

HOW DO I GET THROUGH BAD DAYS ?

You know the sort of days I mean ...

• you wake up to find him/her asleep on the lounge and smelling of alcohol - been drinking all night
• or, you had planned to do something and find your loved one drunk and angry, or asleep
• or, he or she wants to argue with you for no reason
• or, you have a busy day and he or she keeps ringing you with stupid, drunk stuff

What can we do?

• First - realise and accept that the behaviour you are seeing is caused by alcohol
• Second - accept that most likely, YOU are not the cause of the behaviour
• Third - take a deep breath, and tell yourself that this is NOT YOUR PROBLEM
• Fourth - decide to leave your drinker do what they have to do -
  (remember: you are powerless over alcohol - it is far stronger than you are)
• Finally - decide to do something constructive for YOURSELF

What the above steps can do is to DETACH yourself from the drinking (not the drinker) so that you become less affected by what is going on.

Easy?

NO!  But it is the best way of coping with a bad day and can be learned by trying to do it as often as is necessary. It gets easier each time you do it. Try it.

Nothing is easy living with an alcoholic, but DETACHMENT is one defence we have to separate ourselves from what is going on at home.  It can help us stop going nuts, bananas , wacko or crazy.

COPING WITH DISAPPOINTMENTS

Living with an active alcohol abuser ain't for sissies , to take a line from Mae West ("Growing Old Ain't for Sissies") and life is full of let downs, disappointments, expectations dashed, good times lost.

They say they'll stop drinking - but they don't. They agree to go on an outing, or an important event, but be drunk when the time comes and you either go alone or cancel out. You may cook a nice dinner for their birthday and ask the kids or friends around, but they're too drunk when the time comes. They say they'll be fine while your'e away for the day, but you come home to find them drunk again. They forget your birthday, and their own.

That's what it's like - it happens to all of us. But is there something we can do about it?

Well there is, but it's not easy, but I learned to handle this and so can you.

First thing:

• Accept that they have a real, awful mental disease. They are not wicked, just very, very sick.

Next:

• Accept that social things are going to be difficult for BOTH of you to attend. It's not going to happen, or if you do go out they may get dead drunk in the middle of it all.
• Accept that any plans or arrangements you make for both of you are subject to change at a moment's notice.

Finally then:

• Do not build up expectations about anything.
• That means, do not expect things to go the way you want.
• IF YOU DON'T BUILD UP EXPECTATIONS THEN YOU WILL NOT BE LET DOWN, AND HURT OR HUMILIATED - AGAIN.

Sounds defeatist? Giving up? Shouldn't I keep trying?

Think of it this way: your loved one is in the grip of this disease and has lost control of his/her thinking, most of the time. They will have no concept of what is right or wrong, good or bad, only about the next drink. At the moment they are most likely unable to change anything in their lives.

So YOU have to PROTECT yourself - and the above few tips will help you stay sane and less frustrated.

Read over some of the other posts I have made about related subjects. AND LOOK AFTER YOURSELF.

COPING WITH UNCERTAINTY

When we live with an active alcoholic, we never know what is going to happen next. our life together becomes totally unpredictable, disrupted, uncertain.

All sorts of awful things can happen: I have heard of :

• someone's husband walking around the neighbourhood with no clothes on
• someone's wife falling down drunk at a dance party
• someone's husband falling into a gutter and staying there, in the rain
• someone's wife falling down on the floor at home and staying there, in front of her grandchildren
• someone's wife falling down in the street while on the way to buy more alcohol
• any number of car crashes while someone was drunk and driving

We cannot predict what can happen - so making any plans for outings or to attend functions is almost doomed to failure. I don't know how many invitations I had to refuse or cancel out at the last minute because my wife was drunk.

What can we do?

What I did was to stop making plans for the two of us to go out. I just did things on my own. Often I would leave my wife asleep on the lounge and I'd go out and have a nice coffee and stroll around for a while. I'd come home and she would not even know I had been away.

I accepted that she would rather drink that go out with me.  Hard, but I had to accept the power of alcohol over her brain.

So I slowly began to build a life for myself, and left her to her own devices - drinking usually.

Until SHE reached out for help, I learned to look after myself and do some things that I enjoyed.

And kept hoping that one day she would want to stop drinking and reach out to AA for help.

Which she finally did, after some eight years.  I had to learn to look after myself for all those years- how I did this is explained in the HELP PAGES opposite.

COPING WITH FRUSTRATION

One of the things that happens when living with an alcohol abuser is that we get to feel FRUSTRATED:

• Frustrated that the drinking continues despite all we do
• Frustrated because the drinker does not seem to want to stop drinking
• Frustrated that we can do nothing ....

And all of this is what naturally happens to us, living with a drinker.

What can we do?

One thing to think about is : ARE  WE  EXPECTING  TOO  MUCH?

Are we expecting the drinker to feel horrified - as we perhaps are - at all the things that now happen?

Are we expecting the drinker to see what they are doing to themselves - and everyone around them - and really try to stop drinking?

Maybe we are expecting too much from the drinker - they are on a long journey to recovery even if they are trying to stop right now. Their mind is under the control of a cunning, powerful and baffling disease, caused by the excessive drinking of alcohol.

Maybe we should reconsider our expectations - are we expecting too much too soon?

Think about letting go of any expectation you may have that the drinker MUST soon stop.  It probably will not happen, until they start to reach out for help.

It has been said that:  Building up our expectations simply sets us up for disappointments and frustration.

Instead, try to accept where the drinker now is, good or bad, and start to think about YOURSELF.

Think about getting help for yourself - the drinker needs AA and nothing much can happen until they decide to go to AA - forcing them to go will not work - they have to be willing to go to AA.

Concentrate more on YOUR  NEEDS and what help you can get. Check out the HELP PAGES.

WHEN ARE THINGS GOING TO CHANGE?????

We long for the drinking to stop. We long for the peace of a happy home. We long to get our partner back again - the one we knew, not the person affected by alcohol.

We may begin to realise the extent of the battle ahead for the drinker - how difficult it's going to be to simply (we think simply) stop drinking. But it won't be simple for him/her to stop. It may take many failures before they finally, hopefully, find a reason and a way to stop drinking.

And that is after they start to realise how the drinking is destroying their life and those lives around them.

It's going to be a long haul.

All you can do is to start looking after YOU - start thinking about getting some help as I did.

If you start to work on YOU, then things have got a chance of changing. For the Better. That is the usual experience of thousands of people living with alcoholism.

If you do NOTHING, then we can say that nothing will change.

So really, IT"S UP TO YOU - the drinker can do nothing to help at this stage. They are being dominated by a chemical - alcohol.

Only YOU can change something ...... think about it.  Read the HELP PAGES over on the right.

AM I DENYING THERE'S A PROBLEM?

When we are first confronted with the sight of our drunken partner or child, we can go into a sort of shock. I did.  I could not face the truth: that my wife was getting hopelessly drunk too often.  I blamed depression.  I could not bring myself to face the problem.

This happens to many of us: the TRUTH  IS  TOO HURTFUL  TO  FACE.

We hide what's going on in our home from relatives, friends, neighbours.  WE  ARE  ASHAMED of what is happening.

This is quite normal for us who are forced to live with an active alcohol abuser. And it can go on for some time. We cover things up. We deny there's a problem. We make excuses.

Problem is:  as long as we don't face up to the drinking in our home, NOTHING WILL CHANGE.

ACCEPTING  THAT  WE  HAVE  A  REAL  PROBLEM is the first step to MAKING A CHANGE.

We can start to think about what to do, once we face the problem we have.

It's not the end of the world: we can do something.

Read the HELP PAGES to learn about ways to start getting help.

Read earlier blogs about HOW  WE  ARE  POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL.

I AM NOT THE DRINKER - WHY DO I HAVE TO CHANGE???

Sometimes many of us think: Wait a minute, I'm not the drinker who is abusing alcohol and causing all my problems - so WHY  DO  I  HAVE  TO  CHANGE  MY  WAYS?  The DRINKER should STOP!!

Problem is - the drinker's mind is now being controlled by a chemical substance - alcohol - and they have lost control of their lives.  Their mind tells them that as long as they keep drinking, everything will be OK. The hurt will stop. I won't have to do things I don't want to do. The pain will go away. Whatever.

So your drinker can do nothing to help themselves at this stage.

That means, if you want things to be better - YOU have to take action. Your drinker cannot.

You have a choice:

• keep angry and contemptuous of your drinker, keep abusing them and making things worse,
  
• or try to change something IN YOUR CONTROL that will make YOUR life better

At this stage, you can do NOTHING to help the drinker to stop drinking.

But you are still in control of YOUR life situation.  You CAN take SOME  ACTION that will help yourself.

I recommend reading the HELP PAGES over on the right - there you will find out what I learned which will help to make your life more bearable.

Or you can choose to just leave your drinker.  But if you love them, you will want to stay and try to hold on to your life together, hoping that one day he or she will reach out for help and find the courage to stop drinking.

WHAT CAN I DO - I'M FRUSTRATED !!

We often feel frustrated and angry - and it HURTS to see our loved one on the road to destroying themselves.  We feel so HELPLESS.

Maybe everything we have tried to do has failed - the drinking continued or even got sneaky, went underground - but it continued despite our efforts.

That is because alcohol has taken control over the mind of our loved one. The only thing that matters to our drinker is keeping the supply of booze going. They are in a real pickle and probably hate it. As we do. But they are controlled by the alcohol - it is that powerful.

This sounds wrong and weak perhaps, but the only approach FOR US is a PASSIVE one - action does not work against alcohol.

Here's a few things we CAN do:

• ACCEPT that our loved one is in the grip of a mental disease - Alcoholism
• Have some EMPATHY - they are sick in the mind, being controlled by a chemical
• BACK OFF the pressure or the haranguing - it just does not help anyone
• Let the drinker start to SUFFER the CONSEQUENCES of their drinking
• Do NOT ARGUE with the drinker - they may be trying to provoke you - DON'T  ARGUE
• Start to THINK ABOUT YOUR HEALTH and WELL BEING 
• Because you have to look after yourself - you can do nothing for the drinker.
• READ  THE  HELP  PAGES to learn how I got help.

I wish I could tell you how to stop the drinker from drinking - but no-one apart from your drinker can find the answer - only HE or SHE can find a way to stop.  We can do nothing.

Except look after ourselves and have some compassion.

I AM ANGRY - WHAT CAN I DO?

We all get frustrated and angry with our drinker - sometimes it all gets too much. It's not good, but it's what happens to us.

So next time you feel your anger rising when you look at the state your drinker is in, what can you do?

Its no good to vent your anger on him/her - that may even provoke them to start abusing you, or argue with you,  which will cause your anger to rise and something unwise may happen, which you will regret later.

TRY TO WORK THE ANGER OFF IN A POSITIVE WAY.

Some of the ways of working off anger that people have tried are:

• First thing - just get away from the drinker - stop looking at them - go to another room or outside - just get away fro a while.
  
• Some grab a pillow or cushion and pummel hell out of it - punch it, jump on it, throw it at the wall
  
• Yell obscenities - swear your head off, yell abuse at the wall, yell it all out, scream if you want to
  
• Go for a fast walk - I would NOT say drive a car or ride a bike - that is dangerous when you are angry - JUST WALK or RUN
  
• Write it down - let your anger out on paper - this helps too, and you can throw it away later. President Lincoln once did this - he wrote a letter harshly criticising a commander's actions during the civil war - but he never posted that letter. But he had vented his frustration. We can do the same.

So there are a few things to try that WILL  NOT HARM ANYONE ... I hope you can remember to do something in a positive way the next time you feel anger creeping up on you.

CONSEQUENCES ....

When we live with an active alcohol abuser, there are lots of consequences.

There are consequences for US: the partner, spouse, parent or friend of the drinker.

We may lose sleep, friends, social outings, money, suffer great embarrassment, feel guilt, anger, frustration, deep shame - just to name a few things we go through,  have to put up with.

This is why WE NEED HELP as I have pointed out from my experience - the HELP PAGES show how I got help to survive.

BUT ....
We often cover up the bad things that happen to our drinker - we tell lies, pay for things, clean up the mess, try to cover it all up - mostly because we are SO ASHAMED of what is happening and try to cover it up.

BUT -
Here is a strange thing:  BY US COVERING THINGS UP, THE DRINKER DOES NOT SUFFER ANY CONSEQUENCES FOR THEIR ACTIONS !!!

What is the result?  As far as the drinker is concerned, he or she is UNAWARE of the damage they are causing - BECAUSE WE ARE CLEANING UP THE  MESS THEY CREATE. So the drinker can believe that he/she is doing nothing that is hurting anyone, or themselves. What's the problem? they may ask.

One thing we have to learn is: LET THE DRINKER SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR DRINKING. If they fall down on the floor, we can leave them there. If they vomit,we can  leave them lie in it. Stop lying about why they are not at work. If they run out of money, don't pay the bills. Stop trying to save them. Let them be dragged to court.

This is TOUGH LOVE - but the drinker has to learn that they are doing damage, and the only way that can happen - they will not believe you if you try to tell them - is to have them FEEL the damage they are doing.

We do not have to be nasty to them - they will do nasty things to themselves, and have to realise that.

AN ANSWER TO OUR ANGER

In the early stages of living with an active alcohol abuser, we usually get frustrated (through trying to stop them drinking - a waste of time) then ANGRY.

We may vent our anger out on our drunken loved one. Its not pretty or nice, but it sometimes happens. We feel so desperate and helpless. If you've done this, you will feel guilty. But remember, you are being pushed into insane behavior too. Later you will be able to forgive yourself - you are only human.

But of course venting our anger does not help the situation we are in.

Here is something to think about, to help you reduce your anger.

Our drinker is suffering from a mental disease: Alcoholism. The World Health Organisation recognises Alcoholism as a disease of the mind, and that it is a major problem throughout the world.

Now your loved one has a disease - it could be MS, Aids, Cancer - but it is Alcoholism in their case.

So if your loved one had MS for example, would you get angry at him/her?  I'm sure you would not.

It's no different with alcoholism - they are in the grip of disease, just as bad as the others mentioned.

So think about EMPATHY - your loved one has a major battle on their hands when they will try to stop drinking - it will be THE HARDEST THING THEY WILL HAVE TO DO IN THEIR LIVES.

So when you feel yourself getting angry - think of your loved one as having a MENTAL DISEASE. Then keep your MOUTH shut, your MIND off the drinking, and your MITTS (hands) off him/her.

You can think of this too: your drinker does not want to be like that - but they are helpless at first.

Try this next time you feel anger taking hold of you.

CAN A.A. HELP MY DRINKER??

The answer is YES!!  Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) CAN INDEED HELP.

BUT - ONLY IF THE DRINKER IS READY TO LISTEN!

Sometimes the drinker does not want to stop just yet, even though they may feel guilty about what they are doing to those around them.

So what usually happens is:

• we can suggest they go to A.A
• we can take the drinker to A.A meetings
• an A.A member can take them to meetings

AND IT MAY MAKE NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL!  The drinking continues. So"forcing" does not work.

Why?

Because the drinker may not agree they are in trouble - or may be happy drinking just now - or because you may be fixing up the mess they make, they don't see any CONSEQUENCES to their drinking.
Any number of reasons, none of which the drinker may realise and we may never know .....

Usually the drinker has to WANT to STOP DRINKING first, before they are ready to listen to A.A.

My wife went to A.A. for years, yet kept drinking.... until she decided she wanted to stop.

She was TALKING the TALK but not WALKING the WALK as they say.

So we need help to keep going while the drinker continues on their lonely journey - BUT THERE IS HOPE THAT one day, your loved one may decide to ask for help - and get to an A.A. meeting.

Find out how I got help to keep going - check the HELP PAGES on the right ....

THERE IS NO QUICK FIX

Sad to tell, there is no pill that will cure alcoholism. Worse still, the only person who can learn to stop drinking is the alcoholic him or herself - WE, us who live with an alcoholic, can do nothing.  The drinker has to get help from AA to learn to stop.  When they are ready.

This means that it may take our drinker a LONG TIME to stop drinking - it will be the hardest thing they will have to do in their lives. THE HARDEST THING.

Alcohol is that powerful - our drinker has to learn to overcome the control alcohol has over their mind.

And we can only stand and watch - all we can do is be empathetic and understand how hard it is for them to stop drinking. And not beating on them: Remember - Hands OFF, Mouth OFF, Mind OFF.

So to live in this situation - you will need help.

Most of us who try to do it alone end up "batty", as I did - until I reached out for help. To people who understand and know what we go through.

I encourage you to peruse the HELP PAGES and see how I found help.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE - there's thousands of us living with people who are affected by alcohol.

PERSONALITY CHANGES

One of the most unsettling things about living with an alcohol abuser is HOW THEIR PERSONALITY CHANGES when they are drunk.

Quiet people can become abusive, noisy people can become withdrawn and remote, some may spend the day sleeping on the lounge, some may be awake all night - the person you love becomes someone quite different!  And they behave differently. This is an example of how alcohol can take over a person's mind and make serious changes to them.

Its like living with a different person. I used to long for 'my girl' to come back: that is, when she stopped drinking for a while. The 'other woman' she was when drunk I did not like at all. We had no life together.

So what can we do???

This is not easy to live with. One of the ways of coping is to run away from it all. But, mostly we LOVE the person who's drinking and want to help them. So we stay on.

What works is to focus on ourselves. If you have been reading these posts you will have seen by now that there is not much we can do for our alcoholic except leave them alone:
A dear friend of mine used to sum it up thus:

• KEEP YOUR MOUTH OFF THE PERSON
• KEEP YOUR MITTS (HANDS) OFF THE PERSON
• KEEP YOUR MIND OFF THE PERSON.

The 3M rule!

By starting to think about looking after YOURSELF, you will take your mind off your drinker.

Read the HELP PAGES on the right, and some previous posts, and see how I learned to live with an active drinker and gave her a chance to find her way to sobriety.

I had to leave it to her : all I could do was apply the 3M rule and just help when she needed it.

MY DRINKER GETS ANGRY WITH ME !

Perhaps you are experiencing times when your drunken loved one is yelling and cursing at you - really trying to create a big argument with you, maybe even becoming violent.

What is THAT all about???

What we have learned is that really, the drinker is horribly angry at THEMSELVES.

For giving in to drink, or for feeling so bad, or maybe feeling a lot of guilt.

Often this results in an outburst at YOU, for no apparent reason. You may be cursed, belittled, sworn at, ridiculed: anything that could make you mad and create an argument.

THEN your drinker can blame YOU for causing the argument and make him or her self feel a little better:  "after all, it was you arguing that made them pick up a drink, wasn't it?"

This is the warped thinking that goes on when your loved one is in the grip of alcohol - no sense at all. Logic goes out the window. This is what happens.

So what can we do?

First rule is:
Do not argue back.  Find something to do that takes you away from the yelling or cursing. Do not give them a reason to blame YOU.

Next:
Protect yourself and children if you have to : take shelter somewhere else, leave the house in bad situations, call the Police if it's serious. We do NOT have to put up with unacceptable behavior.

And:
Be aware that when it's all over, your drinker will most likely not remember a single thing about the incident. As if it never happened.
So don't beat on them when they are sober: they will think you ARE picking on them. Try to have some compassion for a human being whose mind is being wrecked by an insidious disease, alcoholism.
Try to have some compassion.

Finally,
Think about reaching out for some help, as I did.

WHY ME ??

When we first get hit with the realisation that our loved one is in the grip of alcohol, its fairly normal to ask oneself : "Why am I in this situation??" "What did I do to deserve this??" 

 We feel like a victim, isolated, alone with this horrible problem.

Maybe we are trying to hide everything from the family, friends, neighbours, relatives ....

It all makes us feel angry and alone. This often happens to us in the early days.

But feeling like a victim just fuels our anger, and in anger we can hit out at the drinker, and really make things worse.

First thing to realise is: we are NOT ALONE - there are thousands of us people around the world who are affected by someone else's drinking. Just like us.

Second thing is to understand that WE NEED HELP.

We may think: NOT ME! I CAN FIX THIS!

Try it by all means: you will most likely just make things worse.  YOU will feel worse.

LOOK FOR HELP. See where I found help in those HELP PAGES over on the right.  The help I found kept me going through all the tough years.

I wish for you that you get help too - you are not alone.  Read on ....

WE'VE Got to fix this drinking problem!

If you find yourself thinking this :" WE'VE got fix this drinking problem" then you are headed for disappointment, and more trouble.

Long experience has shown us that WE cannot fix anything to do with alcoholism.  WE can do nothing.

The only person who can overcome the drinking problem is : The DRINKER.

It's sad, is it not, that we, those who live with an active drinker, can do nothing.  But that is the cold hard truth. We can do nothing.

There in NOTHING we can do to help the drinker stop, except changing our own attitudes. To learn more about what this means, look in the HELP PAGES over on the right.

The drinker has a long, hard road ahead IF she or he wants to one day stop drinking.  It will be the hardest thing they will ever have to do in their lives: to find a way to stop drinking. To stop picking up that first glass.

We, on "the other side" must surely admire anyone who manages to find the gift of sobriety. And respect that person as overcoming a major hurdle in life.

Unfortunately, we are Powerless over Alcohol.

But there ARE some things we can do, if we are willing to CHANGE, that will help our loved one along their journey.

Check the HELP PAGES.

And, God Bless - you are not alone.

ALCOHOL CAN CONTROL THE MIND

One of the things we have been talking about is THE POWER OF ALCOHOL over a problem drinker.

How its STRONGER THAN WE ARE - or even THE LOVE OUR DRINKER HAS FOR US.

Its hard to grasp that our problem drinker DOES LOVE US STILL, but now, the alcohol comes first. That's  awful to realise, but its what happens.

Once alcohol takes a grip of someone's mind, it starts to control them. We often think that we are living with a different person - I certainly did - when my wife was drinking. She became someone completely different to her usual self, and I hated the change. I used to long for 'my girl' to come back.

Alcohol wreaks so much damage that it has become regarded as a DISEASE OF THE MIND.
The World Health Organisation certainly classifies it as a disease, and it affects millions throughout the world.

Now here is an important point:

If Alcoholism is a disease, then

I  HAVE  TO TREAT MY DRINKER AS IF  HE/SHE WERE ILL

Think about this: 

If my drinker suffered instead from, say Multiple Sclerosis, would I get mad at him or her????

So we have to learn NOT TO GET MAD AT OUR DRINKER.

He or She is UNWELL - very unwell.

Realising this, we can begin to have empathy for their position - they are in the grip of of sinister, powerful and baffling mental disease.

They need a lot of help from AA - but it may take time for them to realise how deeply in trouble they are, before they reach out for help.

Meanwhile, we have to have empathy and start to look after ourselves. We CANNOT HELP them at this stage. Except by not getting angry with them - they are sick.

I suggest that you look back over some of the earlier posts about caring for oneself.

And remember - you are not alone in this.  Many of us have been where you now are.

I wish you peace in your mind this week.

TRYING TO CONTROL THE DRINKING

One of the natural things we do, when faced with the shock of our loved one's out-of-control drinking, is to try and control it - to STOP it happening.

We probably take the alcohol and pour it down the sink.

It will be replaced, but hidden. So we go looking for it and when we find it, we pour it down the sink.

It will be replaced and hidden in a very secret place. We may spend hours looking for it, but not find it. And the drinking continues.

We may take credit cards or cash away from the drinker so they CAN'T buy any alcohol.

But the drinking continues - somehow the booze gets bought. And drunk.

All of this will drive us nuts if we continue.

Here we have to learn, as I did, that we are POWERLESS over alcohol.  Alcohol affects the drinker's brain so much after a while that getting a drink is the most important thing in the world - to the drinker.

So we have to learn a new way. If we can't control the drinking - WE HAVE TO ACCEPT IT.

This means adopting a DIFFERENT  ATTITUDE - to let the drinking continue without us trying to stop it. Sound crazy???  Well, we have learned that WE will go crazy trying to stop the drinking. We CAN'T.

The HELP pages over on the right cover what I learned - the hard way - and how I got help. Please read these.

WE ARE POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL

This is one of the first, hard things we have to learn, and accept.

That we can do NOTHING, we are POWERLESS over the strength of alcohol once it takes over someone's mind.

We who have lived with alcoholism had to all learn it the hard way: nothing we tried or did stopped our loved one drinking.  NOTHING.

We have to learn a different way of living with our loved one while they drink. That new way means:

Learning to look after ourselves while the drinker continues to drink.

By looking after ourselves, and focusing on OUR needs, we take the pressure off the drinker - they find themselves free of pressure from US, and may begin to think about their problem.

So for today think about this:

KEEP  YOUR  HANDS OFF THE  DRINKER

KEEP YOUR  MIND  OFF THE DRINKER

KEEP  YOUR  MOUTH  OFF THE DRINKER

This is the start of focusing on yourself.

DENIAL

When we first realise, with our stomach crashing to the floor, that we have a REAL problem with our loved one - because they have obviously lost control of their drinking - often we DO NOT WANT TO FACE IT.

We may try every justification to avoid the truth: in my case I convinced myself that my wife was depressed, and that if I could help her get to the bottom of what was worrying her, well, then she would stop drinking, wouldn't she?

WRONG.

I was just in DENIAL that we had a serious problem.  I could NOT admit the shame and helplessness that admitting defeat would bring. I tried not to see the reality.  I was in DENIAL.

Problem is, as long as we do not accept the truth and reality of our situation, we don't seek help.

And so we just plough along, doing what we've always done, so we get what we always got.

Meanwhile our beloved drinker steadily gets more and more under the control of alcohol.  The drinking get worse and bad things start to happen.

One of the most important steps we can take is to ADMIT  WE  HAVE  A  PROBLEM - with alcohol abuse, in our family.

WHAT CAN I DO ?

This is a common question we ask ourselves: "What on earth can I do to stop them drinking / how do I cope with this / how can I make my life better?"

First - about stopping the drinking.
Long experience has taught us that we can do NOTHING to stop the drinking - we may manage to stop them for a short time by hiding/destroying the alcohol, but it won't last. WE ARE POWERLESS AGAINST ALCOHOL.
So we might as well forget trying to stop the drinking and relax a bit: the drinking is out of OUR control.

Next: about coping or making our life better.
If we stop trying to prevent the drinker from doing the most important thing on their mind, ie. getting the next drink, then we can think about OURSELVES.

Again, long experience has shown that the best thing to do now is to LOOK AFTER OURSELVES!

Does that mean letting the drinker do what they like?  YES. We are powerless anyway, we can LET GO.
Our drinker is gripped by a powerful mental illness - alcoholism - and it will take them time and effort to break free.

Note: The World Health Organisation classifies alcoholism as a disease; worldwide in scope.

So we can now turn to thinking about US. What will make OUR life better while the drinker carries on?

Do we like to go to the movies? Linger in the bath? Read good books? Visit friends? Go for walks? Enjoy a beer or wine if we feel like it (it will make no difference if WE drink or not). Get a haircut or perm.?

These are the things we now can do for ourselves: our life does not have to be thrown on the scrapheap because our loved one drinks.

AND - have regular meals. Sleep well (we may have to sleep in a separate bed or move the drinker to a separate bed). Do NOT take part in arguments. Turn away if we are abused by the drinker. Think about our appearance once more. Contact friends once more. Come out of hiding.

And remember: you are NOT alone, just walking down a path many of us have done too.
 I hope you find this information useful, as well as the HELP PAGES over on the right.

WHEN WILL THE DRINKING STOP ??

This is something we often ask ourselves :

 "HOW LONG HAVE I GOT TO WAIT UNTIL THE DRINKING STOPS??

We desperately want out life to get back to "normal" (or what we think is normal for us) and not affected by our loved one's drinking.  How long will it take for him/her to stop drinking??????????

The answer is :  No-one can possibly know.  Your loved one does not know.  The best doctor will not know.  And YOU, unfortunately, can do NOTHING about it.

This is not what we want to hear, is it?

But this is the reality we face, we who live with and love an alcohol abuser. There is no answer to the question of "How long?"

This is the reality of our situation: we have to accept that our drinker will continue drinking, unless something changes their mind. 

Oh thank God, there is something - what will change their mind?

Unfortunately again, no-one can know. But we HOPE that one day, if we are patient and continue to love our affected loved one, they will find that magic and elusive reason to stop drinking.

In the meantime, all we can do is:

• Accept that we have to live with alcohol abuse for the time being
• Hope that one day our ddrinker may find a reason to stop drinking
• Continue to love them and remember that they are suffering from a disease, a cunning and baffling disease of the mind
• Have compassion for our affected loved one
• Start to think about looking after OURSELVES

To start YOU thinking about looking after YOURSELF, have a look at the HELP PAGES over on the right - there you will find ways to get help for yourself.

Again, remember that your loved one is not evil, they are just affected by a serious disease of the mind.

ACCEPTANCE

One of the ways we, who live with an active alcohol abuser, torture ourselves is to keep wishing or pretending that this was all not happening to us.

What this does is it keeps us always feeling hard done by, victimised, shameful or even responsible.

We never can feel good about our life or even ourselves because we keep wishing things were different.

The way out of this trap and towards some inner peace, or serenity, is to ACCEPT  WHAT  IS.

We have to ACCEPT that we are in love with an alcohol abuser. He or she will not stop just because we love them.  They are in the grip of a terrible and sinister mental disease.

When we DO ACCEPT the reality, we are then able to think about what to do for our well being.

My journey, and many others in similar situations, can be followed in the HELP PAGES over on the right hand side of the page.

I hope you will learn something that will help you there.

WILL 2013 BE BETTER ??

Firstly I wish you Peace, Harmony, Energy and Wisdom for the New Year of 2013.

Will things be better at home this year? We hope so!

But alcoholism is not affected by calendars and things may continue on as they have been. The drinking may continue, probably will. So do not be disappointed.

What should our attitudes be?

•  ACCEPTANCE : we have a loved one affected by alcohol. That is not going to change quickly. Frustration, which we all feel at times, does not help.  Accepting our lot as loving an active alcohol abuser will help avoid frustration.
  
• UNDERSTANDING : that our loved one is controlled by alcohol and that their brain is ruled by that substance. It is a disease of the mind, at present beyond their control. But it can change with time.
  
• HOPE : that if we keep cool and accept the above attitudes and try to apply them to our lives, that one day our loved one may find reason to stop drinking.

The trio above would be a good start for the New Year. Not easy, but worth striving for.

For as you will see, a change in OUR attitudes can actually help the drinker begin to face their own truth.

I recommend you look through the HELP PAGES for more information that will help YOU.

Don't give up hope.