I FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I ABUSE MY DRINKER

This happens because we get so angry at what the drinker is doing - destroying our lives - that it seems only natural to rant and rave at him/her, or even worse. We feel justified in giving them "a hard time" - because look at what they are doing to us!!

That's what we may think.

But all that happens is - venting our anger on the drinker only

 GIVES HIM A REASON TO DRINK MORE!

To escape from the constant haranguing, shouting, arguing, putting down, belittling, abusing, swearing at, or even worse things that in our rage, we do.

We have to try something different - for our own peace of mind as well as the drinker.

Consider:

• Your drinker is in the grip of a powerful drug, which is controlling his/her mind so much that it has become a DISEASE of the mind: ALCOHOLISM.
• There is NO  CURE  FOR  ALCOHOLISM 
• All an alchoholic can do to escape the terrible plight they are in is to STOP  DRINKING
• This will be the most difficult thing they will probably ever have to do, to stop drinking.
• Some make it, some do not.
• They are SICK.

What WE have to learn to do is:

• Have some COMPASSION - they are sick  : it could be cancer for example
• Stop picking on them
• Instead - think about how WE ARE GOING TO LOOK AFTER OURSELVES
  
  Its hard, BUT WE CAN DO NOTHING TO STOP THEM DRINKING.
  
  Learn to FOCUS ON OUR NEEDS - WHAT CAN WE DO TO MAKE OUR LIFE WITH THE ALCOHOLIC MORE BEARABLE??
  
  If we can learn to do this, often the drinker will start to wonder why they are drinking, because YOU are no longer the cause of their misery.
  
  Try this and see what happens.  Give it a good try.  It takes time to learn to do what I have suggested.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE???

GETTING THROUGH A BAD DAY

Living with an active alcohol abuser means that THEY control what happens to YOU. They are drinking and creating all sorts of problems for YOU.  Some days are really hard to cope with.  What can YOU DO??

The big 'secret' for us who live with a drinker is:

TAKE  OUR MINDS OFF WHAT IS HAPPENING  AROUND US.

What this means is -

• First - let the drinker do what they want - do NOT try to stop them drinking - you cannot!
• Second - focus on YOURSELF.  How?
• Probably at first you have to STOP THINKING ABOUT THE DRINKER
• To begin this, maybe you have to concentrate on your breathing for a while - focus your attention on the inflow and outflow of your breathing.
• Repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over if you have to (see below)
• Start some useful or likeable task that has to be done.
• Concentrate on doing that task, feel it, think about it,
• Go outside or look out of the window - see what is going on out there
• Go for a walk, or do some exercise
• Go to a coffee shop and read the paper or a book
• Do something for YOU (you alone can do nothing to help your drinker)
• Read up on LIVING IN THE PRESENT MOMENT - there's a lot of literature on this.
  
• Your aim is to learn to detach yourself from what the drinker is doing, by focussing your attention on doing something that takes your mind off everything else.

  
  

  
  

  The Serenity Prayer.
  "God,

  Grant  me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

  Courage, to change the things I can,

  And Wisdom to know the difference."

I WANT TO LEAVE MY DRINKER, BUT I CAN'T AFFORD TO

This is a situation that crops up - you cannot bear what the drinker is doing to you and your family but you can't leave because of age or finances.  It seems hopeless.

So there are two things possible - GO ANYWAY and find a way to cope, or STAY and PUT UP WITH IT. People I know have done both.

If you have to stay despite everything, then you had better try to change something to help you cope. Otherwise you'll keep getting what you are getting.  It would be good to find ways to lessen the burden on yourself.

Perhaps as a start, read the previous post about "Living with an alcoholic" - that may give you some ideas.

What you have to try is find a way to reduce the impact of your drinker on YOU.  Usually the first step is to realise that you are NOT RESPONSIBLE for his/her drinking.  You are not to blame.  They don't have to drink because of you.

Then we have to learn to DETACH from the drinking - not the drinker - the drinking. Read that earlier post which covers this. Just let the drinker go and do what they want - you are powerless anyway. Stop fighting them.  Start to think about what YOU want to do, what YOU would like to do.  You don't HAVE to be controlled by the drinking.

By stopping any beating on the drinker you free them up to realise that it's THEIR problem, not yours.

Above all, try to get to an Al-Anon meeting or find some Al-Anon literature.  That will help you find a way to live with the situation.

It's not easy, but people learn to do it.

DEALING WITH A BUST

Today I would like to talk about one of the most difficult times to deal with, when living with an alcoholic.

Often there are periods when your loved one does not drink, and you think that it's all over, it's finished.

And then for no apparent reason, the drinking starts again. OH  NO!!!

Your tummy sinks to the floor with that horrible empty feeling, you may feel anger and resentment rise up in you.  You feel like telling them off with angry words, or worse. Withdrawing love. Freezing over.

DOES  NOT  HELP  ONE  BIT.

The best thing to do is, try to accept it for what it is - another step along the road to their eventual (we hope) recovery.  Seldom I think does someone just stop drinking, it may take them lots of attempts.

Mostly a person who is TRYING to stop drinking will go for periods with no alcohol, then bust again.  This pattern may go on for some time until one day they find A REASON  TO  STOP  DRINKING.

Vent your anger in some other way - exercise or similar. Don't take it our on your drinker. That will only make their GUILT - yes they feel GUILT - about their drinking get worse. Try to remember they are suffering from a disease - could be diabetes or something else - and try to have some compassion.

What you CAN do is stop (if you are doing this) STOP covering up the mess so that they feel no consequences to their drinking. You are only prolonging their drinking - because if they see no damage from their drinking, WHY STOP?

YOU have to let the nasty things happen that follow from their drinking, so that they SEE what they've done. This won't stop them drinking, not yet, but it will start to dawn on them that they are causing problems. Of course I do not mean letting life threatening things, just the natural outcomes of their drinking. Let them wake up on the floor, not  tucked into bed by you. Let them wake up covered in vomit. Let their friends see them dead drunk. Let them get sacked. It's called TOUGH  LOVE. We let things happen so they will start to understand about consequences.  We give them a reason to think about stopping.

All of the above assumes that your drinker has reached the stage of wanting to stop drinking.  It's the biggest battle they will have in their life.

But if your dinker is happy to continue drinking, then you really must let them suffer the consequences of their drinking. It's not your problem - it's their problem.

LIVING WITH AN ALCOHOL ABUSER

Although the abuse of alcohol is becoming recognised as one of Western society's looming problems, the damage caused by an abuser on those close to him/her is still not a large issue in the mind of the public.

This can make us feel ISOLATED -  I don't dare tell anyone - no one cares - I'm all alone .....

While the physical violence stemming from alcohol abuse is well reported, what is still ignored is the emotional damage and also physical violence inflicted upon those around the abuser.  So the accepted figure of six people affected by any one alcoholic represents harm inflicted upon spouses, children, parents, relatives and friends, even colleagues.

You are NOT ALONE - there are thousands of us around the world affected by someone's excessive drinking.

Not knowing any better, many of those close to an alcoholic unwittingly "enable" the drinking to continue by covering up any damage done,  making excuses, paying bills, lying to the boss, concealing the truth.  In fact most of the things we do to try to stop someone drinking actually make things worse.

And the drinker will mostly have no earthly idea of the damage being done around him/her and will not even remember the sometimes degrading things that happen while on a binge.  So with someone patching things up, and no bad memories, why stop drinking?  After all, in the drinker's mind, there is no problem, is there?

If you are suffering because of a loved one's alcohol abuse, the way to find commonsense, low cost and effective help is via your nearest Al-Anon Family Group.

You can make a start to a better life by working slowly through the "HELP PAGES" shown on the right - they cover the way that I found help and the way to a better life.

I hope that you find help in these pages - this blog is for YOU.

I FEEL ANXIOUS & WORRIED MOST OF THE TIME!

Feeling anxiety or stressing over your situation - living with an active drinker - is what most of us suffer.

How can I pay the bills?  What if the kids find out?  Where has our life gone? How can I cope with all of this?

I felt this way - and SAD and ANGRY too - but when I got to go regularly to Al-Anon Meetings, I began to learn some useful things about living with an alcohol abuser.  For instance:

• LEARNING TO LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME.
  Not to worry about tomorrow, next week, or the future. I learned to accept the situation, do what I could today to survive, and let tomorrow look after itself tomorrow.
  This is a big secret to living a less stressful, more enjoyable life for everyone.
• LEARNING TO ACCEPT THE SITUATION
  I learned to face the reality of the drinking - and that  I could do nothing to stop it. I did not cause it. Facing up and thinking about what I could do helped reduce some more anxiety.
• LEARNING WHAT I COULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT
  And what I COULD NOT do anything about - I could not stop the drinking. I could not stop the awful situations that arose. But I COULD do something about looking after ME. I could not help my drinker, but I COULD HELP MYSELF.
• LEARNING TO STOP MY MIND RACING
  Our minds tend to be very active in presenting all sorts of problems to us, especially at night when we are trying to sleep.
  I learned, when I could not stop the bad thoughts racing around my head, to distract my mind in one of several ways:
  
  Repeating the SERENITY PRAYER or the LORD"S PRAYER over and over again
  Starting with letter 'A', trying to name some GOOD THING that I was thankful for
  Concentrating on my breathing - IN and OUT slowly
• LEARNING TO STAY IN THE PRESENT TIME
  "Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is a mystery. All I have is today, this minute, I can do nothing about what happened yesterday, and I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. All I can do in live NOW, this minute, today.
  Another big secret to a serene life.

I hope something here will work for you. Because WORRY DOES NOT IMPROVE ANYTHING.

It just saps your energy. And can lead to depression.

My best thoughts are for you, who read these posts. God Bless you!

I FEEL SO ASHAMED ......

I know how it feels to be ashamed of what's going on in your home.

Ashamed about what the neighbours see or hear.

Ashamed of what the kids see or hear.

Ashamed of the awful things that happen in our home.

We all suffer this at some stage. And we try to cover it all up.  Of course we don't really succeed: people are not stupid.

So we start to isolate from friends, neighbours, our families .... because we feel so ashamed.

When I finally got to Al-Anon meetings on a regular basis, I learned that it is not ME that ought to feel ashamed. It was NOT ME doing those crazy and destructive things.

I learned too, that I did NOT CAUSE the drinking, and that I could NOT CONTROL it, nor could I CURE IT.  Only the drinker can do those things.

I MYSELF HAD NO REASON TO FEEL ASHAMED.

And in fact, by covering things up I was making it worse - BECAUSE THE DRINKER DID NOT SEE THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS or HER ACTIONS - I made life bearable for them. They could keep drinking, because nothing was going wrong was it? I was covering it all up.

It helped to know I was not responsible for causing the drinking.

I learned to stop feeling ashamed.

I stopped covering up the mess - if something was going to happen, I let the drinker suffer it.

Nothing life threatening of course - but things like falling over dead drunk on the floor - I learned to leave her there, so she would wake up on the floor, not in our nice bed.

If shame is a problem for you, please make contact with Al-Anon - people there know about how you feel, and you will not feel so alone.

I LOVE HIM/HER - SO WHY DON'T THEY STOP DRINKING??

Ever felt this way? I know I did when my wife continued drinking despite me asking, pleading with her to stop.

Shouldn't they stop drinking because of all the damage they are doing to your relationship?  Surely they must know the hurt they are causing!

Well, NO, THEY DO NOT KNOW the damage they are doing, while they are drinking.

Despite how WE feel, THEIR MIND is being CONTROLLED by alcohol - and alcohol is far, far more powerful than any love our problem drinker may feel for us.

Most likely they DO love us! That's the sad part.

But, their mind is telling them they need a drink, most of the time.

During sober times, and often there are sober times during the drinking. they MAY realise what they are doing is hurting us and their relationship.  This can happen.

And this may make them feel very, very guilty and worthless and bad. They may hate themselves.

And the only way to stop that pain is - to have another drink. Because the drink blots everything else out from their mind and they become at peace. For a while.

So this is about the POWER OF ALCOHOL in controlling your loved one's mind.

It is a battle you cannot win.
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YOU  NEED  TO GET  HELP.

Look over the previous recent posts - I explained where I got help to survive.

Do something for YOU!

SO, WHY DO I NEED TO GET HELP??

You may say to yourself -  why do I need help???  I'm not the one drinking!!

I'M  NOT  THE  ONE  WITH  THE  PROBLEM!

I have to tell you - YES YOU ARE!  YOU  DO  HAVE  A  PROBLEM!

YOU are in love, or caring for, a sick person who is now controlled by a sinister, cunning and baffling disease which controls the mind - Alcoholism.

Your drinker is probably blissfully unaware that they have a problem at all - but YOU know they have a problem!

You are the one suffering - cancelling invitations, wiping up the mess, making excuses, trying to hide the SHAME of it all.  And probably - you are all alone.  You can't tell anyone, you are ashamed of what's happening in your house, you tell lies to cover things up, struggle to make ends meet when most of the money goes on booze.

Can you SEE THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM now?

The thing is - it is extremely difficult to find a way to live with all this using your own instincts.  Often what we have to do is not intuitive - we have to do things that are different perhaps.

It is only in Al-Anon Family Groups that we find the distilled knowledge of people who have lived with alcoholism and survived, and gone on to better lives, even if the drinker still drinks or not.

Al-Anon is run by people like us - people living with alcoholism.  And their knowledge and wisdom is what we find in the Al-Anon meetings.

As I said last week - GIVE AL-ANON A TRY, AS I DID, and find effective help.

WHERE DO YOU GET HELP???

Loving and trying to live with an active drinker is a hard, lonely life.  One may soon lose friends and have no-one to talk to who understands your situation. We mostly try to cover it all up and isolate ourselves.

That's what I did. I felt so ashamed of all the things that were happening, and of my angry feelings too.

Where I found help that worked was at - AL-ANON FAMILY GROUP MEETINGS.

You have probably never heard of Al-Anon, but I bet you have heard of AA - Alcoholics Anonymous.

Al-Anon is for the RELATIVES and FRIENDS of Alcoholics, and uses the same effective program of recovery as AA does. It was set up for families of alcoholics over 60 years ago.

You don't hear of AL-Anon because we do not advertise. We send information out into the community and hope those that need us find us.

SO WHAT IS AL-ANON?

At a weekly Al-Anon family group meeting you will find NO PROFESSIONALS, no counsellors, no trained therapists, and no fees.

You WILL find people like you and me, people who have suffered from someone else's drinking and found help at Al-Anon meetings.

The people at an Al-Anon meeting will UNDERSTAND YOU because - we have been where you are now.  We know what it's like.

We share our experiences and this is how we help each other - we learn from each other and read Al-Anon literature. Even the Al-Anon literature has been written by people living with alcoholics, not university graduates. People from around the world like you and me. Yes I still go to Al-Anon meetings. Because it teaches a lovely way to live, even after the alcoholic may have stopped drinking, as my wife has.

We are self supporting by our own VOLUNTARY donations - so if you are broke, you can still attend meetings.

Look at the latter HELP pages and find if there is an Al-Anon meeting near you. Al-Anon has meetings in most countries around the world.

Have a look.  Take a definite step to get some help.

You will rarely be able to cope for long on your own.

Try it.

WHY CAN'T THEY STOP DRINKING??

You may well ask yourself, as I did: IF THEY LOVE ME, WHY CAN'T THEY GIVE UP THE DRINKING?

When we turn to AL-ANON FAMILY GROUPS as I did (in desperation - nothing else worked) I found the answer:

It's not that they DON'T love us - they DO.

It's because ALCOHOL is STRONGER  THAN  THEIR  LOVE  FOR  US.

We who can control our drinking, do not realise how the drug alcohol has taken control of the mind of our loved one.

It controls their mind now, the only thing, once they pick up that first drink, is where is my next drink coming from?

Their mind is in the grip of a powerful drug - ALCOHOL.  Now, nothing else matters.  Not you, the kids, the job, the bills, the rent, how they look, NOTHING MATTERS - EXCEPT ALCOHOL.

WHAT CAN WE DO??

SEEK HELP.  You most likely will not cope with this on your own. I couldn't. I only found help when I turned to my local Al-Anon Family Group.

There I found people who were, or had, suffered as I was and UNDERSTOOD my problems.

The Al-Anon literature I found to be most helpful in explaining how my loved one was being controlled by alcohol and what I could do about it.

SEEK HELP.  YOU CANNOT  STOP THE DRINKING.

You have to learn to survive until hopefully, your drinker finds a REASON to stop drinking.

Until then you have to stay sane - check out AL-ANON FAMILY GROUPS.

SEE the HELP PAGES For contact details around the world.

Look up your local Telephone directory. Check it out on the Net.

But Look please - it's the fastest way to sanity and recovery - FOR YOU!