"Happy" New Year - with an alcohol abuser ???

This phrase that rolls off our tongue at this time of year - "Happy New Year!" - may seem very HOLLOW to those living with an active drinker, or alcoholic.

HOW could it be "Happy" ?  Everything is destroyed by your drinker!

Things DO NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.

The teachings of the Al-Anon Family Groups have made a difference for thousands around the world, showing how to have some sort of decent life EVEN WHILE  LIVING  WITH  AN  ALCOHOLIC.

What teachings? The learning from experience by hundreds of people, distilled into understandable do-it-yourself terms which have helped me and thousands more.  These teachings came from EXPERIENCE, not books or some academic's head.

For instance:

• The alcoholic is destroying his or her life - that is THEIR CHOICE and you can do NOTHING about it.  They have to find a way to stop themselves drinking.
• BUT - YOUR LIFE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE DESTROYED TOO!

Think about this:

• You Can Choose Not to Be Destroyed too
  
• The secret is  -------  DETACHMENT from the DRINKING (NOT the drinker)

This means CHOOSING not to fret, get angry, take revenge, freeze over, or do whatever you do when your drinker hits the bottle again.

YOU can CHOOSE to do something different:

• Let the drinker do what they have to do - drink.
• Because YOU CANNOT get them to stop yourself
• Instead, look for ways to do something for YOURSELF that will make your life better for the day
• Maybe you have to try to do something else for an hour at a time at first, until you get used to the idea
• It means TAKING YOUR ATTENTION OFF THE DRINKER
• AND ONTO YOURSELF.
• Try to do things that you like to do - call a friend or relative, visit someone, get back to that hobby, read, have a bath, have a massage, get a hair job, anything that is for YOU.

SOUNDS SELFISH?

Remember : we are now talking about your SURVIVAL as a rational human being - this is an attempt at retaining YOUR SANITY!

Living with an alcoholic forces us to appreciate the simple things and pleasures of life, that we often take for granted.

BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE AROUND YOU.

FOCUS ON THESE THINGS - NOT YOUR DRINKER!

WHAT's AL-ANON?

Look into those HELP pages and you will find out - that's where I got help and survived living with an active drinker.

SURVIVING CHRISTMAS ...

This is for those of you who are living with an active alcohol abuser.

Christmas should be a time of good cheer, warm family gatherings, a sense of new life, giving, love and peace. For us living with alcohol abuse, it can be the complete opposite.

Family don't come or if they do there's a lot of bad feelings and maybe arguments, plans for lovely Christmas dinners can be ruined, nasty stuff can happen, violence even.

So what can WE do, those of us who choose to live with an active drinker? Well, here are some thoughts that I hope may help you enjoy what you can this Christmas.

• Don't expect too much - unfulfilled expectations = resentment. So just plan for simple things and don't expect everything to go smoothly. Just take it as it comes. Anything better than you expected is a BONUS!
• Keep it simple - the less arrangements made the fewer apologies you'll have to make if your loved one drinks themself out of it all.
• Plan things that YOU can control - don't rely on your loved one being up and involved. They may be, and that would be a blessing. But organise things to suit yourself.
• Do simple things yourself that you will enjoy or consider important: go to church alone, visit nearby family alone, have a dinner even if you eat it by yourself, go to the movies, whatever.
• Don't fret for what is not - be thankful for what you have. There ARE those worse off than you, I am sure.
• Live in the moment - don't moan over losses nor worry about what else can go wrong - just live minute by minute and enjoy what you can. 
• Focus on the true meaning of Christmas - not the commercial hype of present giving. If you're not sure what the true meaning is - find out!
• Remember your loved one is sick - being controlled by the drug alcohol, and is not being nasty just to spoil your Christmas - try to understand how sick he or she is.

I hope this message helps someone out there - and to all who read this note I send my sincere Best Wishes for a peaceful Christmas and a better New Year!  Thank you for reading my blogs.

HOW DO I STOP GETTING ANGRY?

When my partner drank, despite my efforts to stop her, I used to get angry. It's a common emotion to feel when you are faced with uncontrolled drinking that is wrecking your lives.

I had to attend Al-Anon meetings to learn that my anger was understandable, but useless and negative. (see the HELP PAGES opposite to find out about what Al-Anon is and how it can help).

I learned that I was powerless over alcohol and could do NOTHING to stop my wife drinking.  NOTHING.

When I felt angry and frustrated I took my anger out on something else, NOT MY WIFE.

I used to walk and swear and curse out loud. I have punched pillows to work off anger. You can run, swim, jump, exercise, do something PHYSICAL to work the anger off. Chopping wood would be excellent!

Not choke it down - too much of that 'internalising' your anger will cause YOU harm. No, WORK IT OFF somehow.

Read previous blogs about ALCOHOLISM as a DISEASE, and COMPASSION, FORGIVENESS.

Realise that your drinking is suffering from a mental disease that has gripped their mind. THEY are the only ones that can find a way out of their Hell - by stopping the drinking. To do that they will probably need the help of AA - Alcoholics Anonymous.  Support them if they want to go to an AA meeting.

My best advice for YOU is to try to get to an Al-Anon meeting yourself - this is where I found help and it eventually saved our marriage from breaking up.

Try it.