WHY DO I FEEL AS I DO?

Living with an alcohol abuser is not easy, as we know.  Our feelings are constantly in turmoil with anger and resentment being very common among us.

I was stuck with feeling resentment against my drinking wife at one time, and wondered why I felt that way - why didn't it pass?

I mentioned my predicament to a wise long-time member of Al-Anon Family Groups, who explained to  me the process we go through while living with an alcoholic. Our feelings seem to go through a process, or different stages.  as we live with a drinker. It goes like this:

• DISBELIEF - at first we cannot believe what is happening to us, to what our drinker is doing to our lives
• DENIAL - we may deny what is going on, to our friends, family, workmates - we are too ashamed to face or admit what we are living with
• ANGER - we naturally become angry once we realise what is going on in our lives - and many of us get stuck here..... 
• BITTERNESS - we may feel bitter about our lot, feel like victims - why us?
• RESENTMENT - our anger may subside with time, but then we harbour feelings of resentment against our drinker - we may hit back at them for the slightest reason - we think about hurting them any way we can perhaps .. it's not healthy, but a lot of us hold a grudge for some time
• SADNESS - we may then have feelings of sadness about the life we have lost, the lover we have lost, because of the alcohol abuse.
• COMPASSION - with help we come to understand that our loved one is in the grip of a powerful mental disease, and we can begin to feel some compassion for them...
• FORGIVENESS - we are making real progress on OUR recovery when we accept the disease is controlling our loved one, and we can begin to forgive them for what they have done to us

• LOVE - we may even see that we still love the person despite the affects of the alcohol, and start to free ourselves from the affects of the drinking, while still loving our real person.

When these stages were explained to me, I understood that what I was feeling - resentment at that time - was a normal part of what we go through when we live with an alcoholic, and I could see a way to move on. I began to read about resentment and how to move past it : the answer was: FORGIVENESS.

More next time .... if you are wondering what "AL-ANON Family Groups"s are, please read through my HELP PAGES over on the right - AL-ANON is where I got help that worked.