HANDLING OUR ANGER

One of my most-read posts was "An Answer to our Anger" - April 18, 2013, so it seems anger is a wide-spread problem when living with an alcohol abuser.  It was for me too.

It is a negative emotion if though quite a natural one - so we need to do something constructive with it rather than:

• yelling at our drinker
• hitting them 
• abusing or hurting them with harsh words

 - all these things just give them a reason to reach for another drink!

So what can we do?  Here a few ways of getting rid of our anger:

• Re-read my post of April 18
• Get a pillow and punch your anger out on it
• Go outside and yell your anger - swear if it helps!
• Get out of the house and do some exercise - 
• walk  or run
• chop some wood
• dig a garden
• play squash or some other sport
•  do some shadow boxing
• punch a punching bag
• ride a bike or exercise bike
• swim
• sing
• climb
• do anything physical - BUT DO NOT
  
• TOUCH YOUR DRINKER
• TAKE IT OUT ON THEM
• TAKE REVENGE

Remember they are SICK, very sick, and right now can only be as they are, until they realise what alcohol is doing to them, and to everything around them.

And remember the "Serenity Prayer" from a few weeks ago - it has a wonderful calming affect on us.

And make enquiries about your nearest Al-Anon meeting.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE FUTURE - WHAT CAN I DO?

When our lives are a constant mess and we don't know what to do, we often find ourselves worrying over what is going to happen to us and our relationship. We may have all sorts of worries confronting us and we find it harder and harder to think constructively: WE  WORRY most of the time.

What can we do?

One of the greatest gifts in life is to learn to live ONE  DAY  AT  A  TIME.

What this means is:

• Do what you have to do today to get by - do what must be done today
  
• Try to stop foreseeing all the problems ahead of us: what can you really do about things that have not happened yet?
  
• Concentrate on living this one day - after all, in reality it is all any of us have - just today. Actually, JUST RIGHT NOW!  Anything could happen in the next few hours. So there is nothing we can do except live RIGHT  NOW.
  
• Think about living IN  THE  MOMENT,  in the NOW.  If you feel worried, bring your mind back to what is going on around you right now. Do something for yourself to keep busy and concentrate on that.
  
• Realise that you cannot control the future - therefore things will happen that you do not expect.  Instead of worrying about what might happen, think that whatever it is, you will cope with it IF and WHEN it might happen. Until then, a worry is just a negative thought.
  
• Read more about LIVING IN THE MOMENT.
  
• Get through this day as best you can, and let tomorrow take care of itself.

That is actually what recovering alcoholics try to do: get through one day at a time, THIS day, without a drink, and don't even think about tomorrow. They concentrate on TODAY.

I hope this helps someone out there cope a little better by learning a new way to survive and live on.

HOW DO I STOP ARGUING ALL THE TIME?

Very often our drinker will needle us to get an argument going, try to stir us up to lose our temper.

What happens?

We usually get upset and respond by arguing back, making counter accusations, venting our anger in awful words, yelling at them because of our frustration with the situation.

Just what the drinker wants - we have now given them all the nasty things we have just said about them - and that means they now have another reason to have a drink, because :  you have hurt them - they will have yet another drink because it's your fault!

Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But that's what an irrational, alcohol-affected mind thinks like.

They try to get you to lose your temper to justify them having another drink.

And there may be another reason your sick alcoholic may try to start an argument:

Sometime the drinker feels so bad and guilty about drinking that they will try to take it out on you - in an attempt to make themselves feel better.

So what to do?

WE  DON'T  ENTER  INTO  ARGUMENTS.

When you hear the words from your loved drinker that means he or she is looking to start an argument, you can CHOOSE  to do a few things:

• Realise that an argument is coming and decide not to take part
• Just don't respond to what is flung at you - it is not coming from a rational person
• Start reciting the Serenity Prayer to yourself in your mind ( see my previous Post) as this will take your mind off what is being said
• Start doing something with your hands - anything - prepare a meal, set the table, do some sewing, weed the garden, make something, draw, knit, something manual
• Get out of the room and go somewhere else, out for a coffee, see a friend, go for a walk, leave them to it
• Do some exercise
• Don't go out and kick the dog - it's not his fault either! 
• Pretend to read something - it will help you to keep your mouth shut - it looks like you are reading but you my actually just be sitting there - doesn't matter - it gives you the appearance of not listening
• Practice some breathing exercises - a simple one is to breathe in for say 4 or 6 seconds through your nose, then breathe out slowly through pursed lips while you count 50% longer: 6 to 9 seconds. Keep doing this. It will occupy your mind and you will stop listening. There are many breathing exercises - look them up.

These are a few practical things you can do to avoid taking part in an argument. Make up your own.

The principle is that if you take part in an argument with a drunk you are giving them a reason to reach for the bottle again.

CAN I FIND SOME PEACE WHEN I FEEL UPSET?

Very often we may feel distracted, obsessed, angry, resentful or completely lost.  That's what it's like living with someone who is abusing alcohol.

So, what can we do? Can we avoid these negative feelings when our drinker is driving us out of our mind?

There are a few ways to detach ourselves from the drinker, to get a little peace in our minds.

One that is used by thousands of people around the world in our situation is:

To recite the "Serenity Prayer" ----  of course it will be good to learn it off by heart - it's not long:

"God,

Grant  me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage, to change the things I can,

And Wisdom to know the difference."

It is very worthwhile to learn this simple prayer off by heart - it will always help to calm you down when you feel stressed. Most of us say it to ourselves a couple of times or more, when we are upset, confused, angry or  maybe cannot get to sleep.

Think of what the words mean:

• I have to accept the drinking - I cannot change it
• I can change MY ATTITUDE to the drinker - I can choose not to get involved with anger etc.
• I need to sort out what I CAN change from those things I CANNOT change, then do something to help myself - remember: there is very little I can do to help the drinker. But - I can help myself.

Saying this prayer will take our mind off what is going on around us, give us some Serenity, and help us do something to help ourselves,

Write it down and learn the Serenity Prayer - it will pay big dividends for the rest of your life.

It is priceless to learn to find Serenity while living with an alcohol abuser - it helps us cope.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH MY RESENTMENT?

Feeling resentful is something we commonly feel, we who live with an alcohol abuser. Maybe we were angry, or felt deeply hurt, and very often this turns into RESENTMENT.

We feel resentful that the drinker is hurting US so much - or resentful about all the good times we are missing out on because of their drinking - or resentful that it is happening to us,(why me?) Or resentful that our lives have been turned upside-down, made into a real mess.  It is common for us to feel resentful toward the drinker.

The bad news for us is that feeling resentful does us more harm, on top of what the drinker is doing to us. Hanging on to negative feelings such as anger, hate, revenge or resentment work against our peace of mind and if kept up for long enough will begin to cause us some physical problems. Negative emotions can harm us.

So what can we do?

We have to move past the feelings of resentment.  How?

One way is to remember that our drinker is suffering from a disease - we have discussed this earlier, but it is true. The drinker is NOT doing this to hurt us - he or she is under the control of a powerful drug that is twisting their mind.

So if it's a disease, it's like our loved one had MS, or an ulcer, or Aids - self inflicted perhaps, but none-the-less a disease.  SO -

As it IS a disease, cannot we feel some compassion for them?  We could feel compassion if it was say MS, so why not if it is Alcoholism?

Some people have this weakness for alcohol - they cannot handle it and it gradually takes control of their mind.  Think of this:

IT COULD BE ME!

Had you ever thought that YOU could be just as affected by alcohol as your drinker? But for a quirk of genetic fate, YOU could be an alcoholic too.

Given the above, can you now see a reason to feel some compassion for your drinker? 

And then think about :

FORGIVENESS.

Because my friend, FORGIVENESS is the antidote to destructive Resentment.

Please think about this and try to find some forgiveness in your heart for your alcoholic.  You cannot approve of what they are doing, but you can learn to forgive them.

This step of FORGIVENESS is the first step to our own recovery, to get us out of the dreadful and destructive merry-go-round of anger- resentment - anger.

I hope that you find this helpful.  And I thank those of you who  are following my blog - it helps me keep going, knowing that I may be helping someone out there in the wide world somewhere. 

May God Bless YOU all.