I AM ANGRY - WHAT CAN I DO?

We all get frustrated and angry with our drinker - sometimes it all gets too much. It's not good, but it's what happens to us.

So next time you feel your anger rising when you look at the state your drinker is in, what can you do?

Its no good to vent your anger on him/her - that may even provoke them to start abusing you, or argue with you,  which will cause your anger to rise and something unwise may happen, which you will regret later.

TRY TO WORK THE ANGER OFF IN A POSITIVE WAY.

Some of the ways of working off anger that people have tried are:

• First thing - just get away from the drinker - stop looking at them - go to another room or outside - just get away fro a while.
  
• Some grab a pillow or cushion and pummel hell out of it - punch it, jump on it, throw it at the wall
  
• Yell obscenities - swear your head off, yell abuse at the wall, yell it all out, scream if you want to
  
• Go for a fast walk - I would NOT say drive a car or ride a bike - that is dangerous when you are angry - JUST WALK or RUN
  
• Write it down - let your anger out on paper - this helps too, and you can throw it away later. President Lincoln once did this - he wrote a letter harshly criticising a commander's actions during the civil war - but he never posted that letter. But he had vented his frustration. We can do the same.

So there are a few things to try that WILL  NOT HARM ANYONE ... I hope you can remember to do something in a positive way the next time you feel anger creeping up on you.

CONSEQUENCES ....

When we live with an active alcohol abuser, there are lots of consequences.

There are consequences for US: the partner, spouse, parent or friend of the drinker.

We may lose sleep, friends, social outings, money, suffer great embarrassment, feel guilt, anger, frustration, deep shame - just to name a few things we go through,  have to put up with.

This is why WE NEED HELP as I have pointed out from my experience - the HELP PAGES show how I got help to survive.

BUT ....
We often cover up the bad things that happen to our drinker - we tell lies, pay for things, clean up the mess, try to cover it all up - mostly because we are SO ASHAMED of what is happening and try to cover it up.

BUT -
Here is a strange thing:  BY US COVERING THINGS UP, THE DRINKER DOES NOT SUFFER ANY CONSEQUENCES FOR THEIR ACTIONS !!!

What is the result?  As far as the drinker is concerned, he or she is UNAWARE of the damage they are causing - BECAUSE WE ARE CLEANING UP THE  MESS THEY CREATE. So the drinker can believe that he/she is doing nothing that is hurting anyone, or themselves. What's the problem? they may ask.

One thing we have to learn is: LET THE DRINKER SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR DRINKING. If they fall down on the floor, we can leave them there. If they vomit,we can  leave them lie in it. Stop lying about why they are not at work. If they run out of money, don't pay the bills. Stop trying to save them. Let them be dragged to court.

This is TOUGH LOVE - but the drinker has to learn that they are doing damage, and the only way that can happen - they will not believe you if you try to tell them - is to have them FEEL the damage they are doing.

We do not have to be nasty to them - they will do nasty things to themselves, and have to realise that.

AN ANSWER TO OUR ANGER

In the early stages of living with an active alcohol abuser, we usually get frustrated (through trying to stop them drinking - a waste of time) then ANGRY.

We may vent our anger out on our drunken loved one. Its not pretty or nice, but it sometimes happens. We feel so desperate and helpless. If you've done this, you will feel guilty. But remember, you are being pushed into insane behavior too. Later you will be able to forgive yourself - you are only human.

But of course venting our anger does not help the situation we are in.

Here is something to think about, to help you reduce your anger.

Our drinker is suffering from a mental disease: Alcoholism. The World Health Organisation recognises Alcoholism as a disease of the mind, and that it is a major problem throughout the world.

Now your loved one has a disease - it could be MS, Aids, Cancer - but it is Alcoholism in their case.

So if your loved one had MS for example, would you get angry at him/her?  I'm sure you would not.

It's no different with alcoholism - they are in the grip of disease, just as bad as the others mentioned.

So think about EMPATHY - your loved one has a major battle on their hands when they will try to stop drinking - it will be THE HARDEST THING THEY WILL HAVE TO DO IN THEIR LIVES.

So when you feel yourself getting angry - think of your loved one as having a MENTAL DISEASE. Then keep your MOUTH shut, your MIND off the drinking, and your MITTS (hands) off him/her.

You can think of this too: your drinker does not want to be like that - but they are helpless at first.

Try this next time you feel anger taking hold of you.

CAN A.A. HELP MY DRINKER??

The answer is YES!!  Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) CAN INDEED HELP.

BUT - ONLY IF THE DRINKER IS READY TO LISTEN!

Sometimes the drinker does not want to stop just yet, even though they may feel guilty about what they are doing to those around them.

So what usually happens is:

• we can suggest they go to A.A
• we can take the drinker to A.A meetings
• an A.A member can take them to meetings

AND IT MAY MAKE NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL!  The drinking continues. So"forcing" does not work.

Why?

Because the drinker may not agree they are in trouble - or may be happy drinking just now - or because you may be fixing up the mess they make, they don't see any CONSEQUENCES to their drinking.
Any number of reasons, none of which the drinker may realise and we may never know .....

Usually the drinker has to WANT to STOP DRINKING first, before they are ready to listen to A.A.

My wife went to A.A. for years, yet kept drinking.... until she decided she wanted to stop.

She was TALKING the TALK but not WALKING the WALK as they say.

So we need help to keep going while the drinker continues on their lonely journey - BUT THERE IS HOPE THAT one day, your loved one may decide to ask for help - and get to an A.A. meeting.

Find out how I got help to keep going - check the HELP PAGES on the right ....

THERE IS NO QUICK FIX

Sad to tell, there is no pill that will cure alcoholism. Worse still, the only person who can learn to stop drinking is the alcoholic him or herself - WE, us who live with an alcoholic, can do nothing.  The drinker has to get help from AA to learn to stop.  When they are ready.

This means that it may take our drinker a LONG TIME to stop drinking - it will be the hardest thing they will have to do in their lives. THE HARDEST THING.

Alcohol is that powerful - our drinker has to learn to overcome the control alcohol has over their mind.

And we can only stand and watch - all we can do is be empathetic and understand how hard it is for them to stop drinking. And not beating on them: Remember - Hands OFF, Mouth OFF, Mind OFF.

So to live in this situation - you will need help.

Most of us who try to do it alone end up "batty", as I did - until I reached out for help. To people who understand and know what we go through.

I encourage you to peruse the HELP PAGES and see how I found help.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE - there's thousands of us living with people who are affected by alcohol.