HAVING COMPASSION

Recently we have been working through the feelings we go through in the early times of living with an alcohol abuser. We seem to go through definite stages as follows:

DISBELIEF > DENIAL > ANGER > BITTERNESS > RESENTMENT > SADNESS >  COMPASSION > FORGIVENESS > LOVE.

In previous posts we have worked through the feelings from Disbelief to Resentment - have a look back at previous posts if you have just joined this blog.

Now we can look at COMPASSION..  This feeling of compassion for our alcohol abuser can come after  SADNESS passes and we begin to learn one thing:

OUR ALCOHOL ABUSER IS IN THE GRIP OF A POWERFUL DRUG - MIND CONTROLLING, CUNNING, BAFFLING, TAKING OVER THEIR LIFE.

Your drinker now has the biggest fight of their life on their hands - can they overcome the urge to drink?

The World Health Organisation lists Alcoholism as one of the world's major health issues, and it is classified by most in the health area as a disease of the mind.

Realising this - that your partner is suffering from a powerful mental disease or disorder, how can you maintain feelings of ANGER or RESENTMENT against them?

What if they suffered from M.S., or Poliomyelitis, or Cancer - would you be angry with them then?

I'm sure you would not. You would feel COMPASSION, would you not?

So you can learn to feel COMPASSION for your drinker. Remember:

They are not doing it to spite you,

They are not doing it because they do not love you,

They are not doing it because they are a bad person

They are not doing it because they are dumb.....

THEY ARE DRINKING BECAUSE THEY ARE UNABLE TO STOP - 

THEIR MIND IS BEING CONTROLLED  BY

ALCOHOL

SO  THINK  ABOUT  IT -  CAN  YOU  BEGIN  TO  FEEL  SOME  COMPASSION?

WHAT  IF  IT  WAS  YOU???

MORE ON RESENTMENT .....

Another thought on RESENTMENT is this ...

IF we have UNREALISTIC  EXPECTATIONS, we are just setting ourselves up for MORE  RESENTMENT ..... when those expectations are not met.

Confused?

Here is an example:

Let's say you expect your partner to stop drinking.

They don't

Then you get resentful AGAIN.

Why? 

It was unrealistic to expect him/her to stop drinking - just because you wanted them to stop.

A drinker cannot stop drinking unless they really make up their OWN MIND to stop.

Having unreal expectations about all sorts of things in life can result in resentment when those expectations are not met.

What to do?

Be REALISTIC IN WHAT YOU EXPECT.  Especially of your alcohol abuser. They have perhaps a long way to go until .... THEY  FIND A REASON TO STOP DRINKING.

THEIR reason - NOT  YOUR REASON.

Maybe you have ACCEPT  that your drinker cannot stop drinking.  ACCEPTANCE  HELPS.

So, watch out for unrealistic expectations!

RESENTMENT

Recently we have been looking at the PROCESS we go through with our emotions when we live with an alcohol abuser - here it is again:
DISBELIEF > DENIAL > ANGER > BITTERNESS > RESENTMENT > SADNESS >  COMPASSION > FORGIVENESS > LOVE.

So now we will look at BITTERNESS and RESENTMENT as part of the feelings we go through.

After our ANGER subsides somewhat, we often find we are feeling BITTER - we may have thoughts like:

• Why ME?
• What have I done to deserve this?
• It's his/her fault we are in this mess!
• I hate this situation I'm in.

Most often this morphs into RESENTMENT - and we may think:

• I hate it when he/she drinks
• Our life is going down the toilet
• I wish I was with someone else
• He/she is damaging our life
• And so on  - WE  HOLD  A  GRUDGE  AGAINST  OUR  DRINKER

This is what happens to most of us. We feel resentful.

Problem is - negative feelings like Resentment, if held long enough, can start to cause us physiological problems - our body will be affected - our health will suffer - this is well understood now.

SO  HOW  DO  WE  LOSE  OUR  RESENTMENT?

The answer to Resentment is ---- FORGIVENESS!

HOW can we FORGIVE what our drinker is doing to us??

BY UNDERSTANDING that alcohol abuse is an ILLNESS.   The WORLD  HEALTH  AUTHORITY  RECOGNIZES  ALCOHOLISM  AS  A  DISEASE.

A DISEASE OF THE MIND..... you may have trouble accepting this for a while, so if you do not want to take my word for it. do some reading.

So if it IS  a DISEASE, we can feel some COMPASSION for the plight our drinker is in.

Have a look at a previous post of mine on July 8 2013 entitled: HOW  DO  I  DEAL  WITH  MY  RESENTMENT?|

Read that and see if you can begin to feel some compassion,  the drinker is not doing this to hurt you - they are in the grip of a powerful mental condition.

Do some research for yourself.  Try to feel some understanding and compassion for your drinker.

It's not their fault they cannot handle alcohol - its a medical condition.