WHAT CAN I DO ?

This is a common question we ask ourselves: "What on earth can I do to stop them drinking / how do I cope with this / how can I make my life better?"

First - about stopping the drinking.
Long experience has taught us that we can do NOTHING to stop the drinking - we may manage to stop them for a short time by hiding/destroying the alcohol, but it won't last. WE ARE POWERLESS AGAINST ALCOHOL.
So we might as well forget trying to stop the drinking and relax a bit: the drinking is out of OUR control.

Next: about coping or making our life better.
If we stop trying to prevent the drinker from doing the most important thing on their mind, ie. getting the next drink, then we can think about OURSELVES.

Again, long experience has shown that the best thing to do now is to LOOK AFTER OURSELVES!

Does that mean letting the drinker do what they like?  YES. We are powerless anyway, we can LET GO.
Our drinker is gripped by a powerful mental illness - alcoholism - and it will take them time and effort to break free.

Note: The World Health Organisation classifies alcoholism as a disease; worldwide in scope.

So we can now turn to thinking about US. What will make OUR life better while the drinker carries on?

Do we like to go to the movies? Linger in the bath? Read good books? Visit friends? Go for walks? Enjoy a beer or wine if we feel like it (it will make no difference if WE drink or not). Get a haircut or perm.?

These are the things we now can do for ourselves: our life does not have to be thrown on the scrapheap because our loved one drinks.

AND - have regular meals. Sleep well (we may have to sleep in a separate bed or move the drinker to a separate bed). Do NOT take part in arguments. Turn away if we are abused by the drinker. Think about our appearance once more. Contact friends once more. Come out of hiding.

And remember: you are NOT alone, just walking down a path many of us have done too.
 I hope you find this information useful, as well as the HELP PAGES over on the right.

WHEN WILL THE DRINKING STOP ??

This is something we often ask ourselves :

 "HOW LONG HAVE I GOT TO WAIT UNTIL THE DRINKING STOPS??

We desperately want out life to get back to "normal" (or what we think is normal for us) and not affected by our loved one's drinking.  How long will it take for him/her to stop drinking??????????

The answer is :  No-one can possibly know.  Your loved one does not know.  The best doctor will not know.  And YOU, unfortunately, can do NOTHING about it.

This is not what we want to hear, is it?

But this is the reality we face, we who live with and love an alcohol abuser. There is no answer to the question of "How long?"

This is the reality of our situation: we have to accept that our drinker will continue drinking, unless something changes their mind. 

Oh thank God, there is something - what will change their mind?

Unfortunately again, no-one can know. But we HOPE that one day, if we are patient and continue to love our affected loved one, they will find that magic and elusive reason to stop drinking.

In the meantime, all we can do is:

• Accept that we have to live with alcohol abuse for the time being
• Hope that one day our ddrinker may find a reason to stop drinking
• Continue to love them and remember that they are suffering from a disease, a cunning and baffling disease of the mind
• Have compassion for our affected loved one
• Start to think about looking after OURSELVES

To start YOU thinking about looking after YOURSELF, have a look at the HELP PAGES over on the right - there you will find ways to get help for yourself.

Again, remember that your loved one is not evil, they are just affected by a serious disease of the mind.

ACCEPTANCE

One of the ways we, who live with an active alcohol abuser, torture ourselves is to keep wishing or pretending that this was all not happening to us.

What this does is it keeps us always feeling hard done by, victimised, shameful or even responsible.

We never can feel good about our life or even ourselves because we keep wishing things were different.

The way out of this trap and towards some inner peace, or serenity, is to ACCEPT  WHAT  IS.

We have to ACCEPT that we are in love with an alcohol abuser. He or she will not stop just because we love them.  They are in the grip of a terrible and sinister mental disease.

When we DO ACCEPT the reality, we are then able to think about what to do for our well being.

My journey, and many others in similar situations, can be followed in the HELP PAGES over on the right hand side of the page.

I hope you will learn something that will help you there.

WILL 2013 BE BETTER ??

Firstly I wish you Peace, Harmony, Energy and Wisdom for the New Year of 2013.

Will things be better at home this year? We hope so!

But alcoholism is not affected by calendars and things may continue on as they have been. The drinking may continue, probably will. So do not be disappointed.

What should our attitudes be?

•  ACCEPTANCE : we have a loved one affected by alcohol. That is not going to change quickly. Frustration, which we all feel at times, does not help.  Accepting our lot as loving an active alcohol abuser will help avoid frustration.
  
• UNDERSTANDING : that our loved one is controlled by alcohol and that their brain is ruled by that substance. It is a disease of the mind, at present beyond their control. But it can change with time.
  
• HOPE : that if we keep cool and accept the above attitudes and try to apply them to our lives, that one day our loved one may find reason to stop drinking.

The trio above would be a good start for the New Year. Not easy, but worth striving for.

For as you will see, a change in OUR attitudes can actually help the drinker begin to face their own truth.

I recommend you look through the HELP PAGES for more information that will help YOU.

Don't give up hope.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS !

I wish my readers a very happy and peaceful Christmas season.

But sometimes, when we live with an active drinker, the festive season turns into an unhappy time, because of what the drinker does: drunk at the wrong time, arguments, turning guests off, and so forth.

Many people living with alcoholics find this and do not look forward to Christmas.

What can we do?

Accept that the drinker will drink and make plans accordingly. Maybe YOU can go out and leave the drinker home: after all, the only thing that interests the drinker is drinking.

Try to enjoy the good things that DO happen, and often pleasant things happen even in the bad times. Try to focus on YOURSELF and do some things that YOU enjoy. Forget about the drinker if you have to - just enjoy yourself.

And don't feel guilty about leaving the drinker to their own devices: you did not force the drinker to drink, that is THEIR choice. You can choose to do something pleasant.

Look for the good things that may happen, no matter how small: they will make you feel better.

Bless you all.

COME HOME TO FIND YOUR DRINKER OUT TO IT?

This happens to most of us: we come home only to find our loved one passed out drunk on the sofa, the floor, the bed or some other place.

We feel as if we have been hit in the stomach - winded, deflated, maybe angry: "He/she has been DRINKING AGAIN!" and maybe : "When in Hell is he/she going to stop??"

In the early days of living with and alcoholic, this is all too common an experience.

So WHAT DO WE DO?

ACCEPT that your loved one has lost control of drinking again.

Try to SETTLE DOWN and become CALM.  Maybe though we feel angry, so do something to work off the anger - go for a short walk - go punch a pillow (I mean it - this works off anger) but DO NOT HIT YOUR LOVED ONE.

THINK - he or she has lost control. They are really sick. Being angry will not help you nor them. Try to feel a bit of compassion - as you will learn later, they are suffering from a mental disease called alcoholism.

DO SOMETHING USEFUL for yourself - cook a meal or go out and get one - read the news or watch TV. Try to get your mind off the drinker. Read a book - write a letter- call a friend to chat.

READ the HELP PAGES over on the Right of this page - you will find useful information there.

And remember : YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Thousands of us have been through this AND SURVIVED.

FEEL ASHAMED??

Many of us feel ashamed that we have an out-of-control drinker as a loved one, in our family. We feel that somehow it reflects on us too: a blight on the whole family.

This is quite common and a normal reaction to the horrors that we may be facing within the privacy of our home. Most of us go through this.

We may be desperately trying to hide any evidence of our loved one's alcohol abuse: from neighbors, family or friends. Or our loved one's boss even.

We are usually only partly successful in this.  Sooner or later the drunken behavior has consequences outside of the home. The word gets out.

But it really is NO REFLECTION UPON US.  We are not the drinker. We are not fully responsible for all the drinker does, no matter how we may kid ourselves. The drinker will do what they want whether we try to control the drinking or not.

For a saner way, look through the HELP PAGES over on the right.

And remember: YOU are NOT ALONE in this. WE have been there too.