MY DRINKER GETS ANGRY WITH ME !

Perhaps you are experiencing times when your drunken loved one is yelling and cursing at you - really trying to create a big argument with you, maybe even becoming violent.

What is THAT all about???

What we have learned is that really, the drinker is horribly angry at THEMSELVES.

For giving in to drink, or for feeling so bad, or maybe feeling a lot of guilt.

Often this results in an outburst at YOU, for no apparent reason. You may be cursed, belittled, sworn at, ridiculed: anything that could make you mad and create an argument.

THEN your drinker can blame YOU for causing the argument and make him or her self feel a little better:  "after all, it was you arguing that made them pick up a drink, wasn't it?"

This is the warped thinking that goes on when your loved one is in the grip of alcohol - no sense at all. Logic goes out the window. This is what happens.

So what can we do?

First rule is:
Do not argue back.  Find something to do that takes you away from the yelling or cursing. Do not give them a reason to blame YOU.

Next:
Protect yourself and children if you have to : take shelter somewhere else, leave the house in bad situations, call the Police if it's serious. We do NOT have to put up with unacceptable behavior.

And:
Be aware that when it's all over, your drinker will most likely not remember a single thing about the incident. As if it never happened.
So don't beat on them when they are sober: they will think you ARE picking on them. Try to have some compassion for a human being whose mind is being wrecked by an insidious disease, alcoholism.
Try to have some compassion.

Finally,
Think about reaching out for some help, as I did.

WHY ME ??

When we first get hit with the realisation that our loved one is in the grip of alcohol, its fairly normal to ask oneself : "Why am I in this situation??" "What did I do to deserve this??" 

 We feel like a victim, isolated, alone with this horrible problem.

Maybe we are trying to hide everything from the family, friends, neighbours, relatives ....

It all makes us feel angry and alone. This often happens to us in the early days.

But feeling like a victim just fuels our anger, and in anger we can hit out at the drinker, and really make things worse.

First thing to realise is: we are NOT ALONE - there are thousands of us people around the world who are affected by someone else's drinking. Just like us.

Second thing is to understand that WE NEED HELP.

We may think: NOT ME! I CAN FIX THIS!

Try it by all means: you will most likely just make things worse.  YOU will feel worse.

LOOK FOR HELP. See where I found help in those HELP PAGES over on the right.  The help I found kept me going through all the tough years.

I wish for you that you get help too - you are not alone.  Read on ....

WE'VE Got to fix this drinking problem!

If you find yourself thinking this :" WE'VE got fix this drinking problem" then you are headed for disappointment, and more trouble.

Long experience has shown us that WE cannot fix anything to do with alcoholism.  WE can do nothing.

The only person who can overcome the drinking problem is : The DRINKER.

It's sad, is it not, that we, those who live with an active drinker, can do nothing.  But that is the cold hard truth. We can do nothing.

There in NOTHING we can do to help the drinker stop, except changing our own attitudes. To learn more about what this means, look in the HELP PAGES over on the right.

The drinker has a long, hard road ahead IF she or he wants to one day stop drinking.  It will be the hardest thing they will ever have to do in their lives: to find a way to stop drinking. To stop picking up that first glass.

We, on "the other side" must surely admire anyone who manages to find the gift of sobriety. And respect that person as overcoming a major hurdle in life.

Unfortunately, we are Powerless over Alcohol.

But there ARE some things we can do, if we are willing to CHANGE, that will help our loved one along their journey.

Check the HELP PAGES.

And, God Bless - you are not alone.

ALCOHOL CAN CONTROL THE MIND

One of the things we have been talking about is THE POWER OF ALCOHOL over a problem drinker.

How its STRONGER THAN WE ARE - or even THE LOVE OUR DRINKER HAS FOR US.

Its hard to grasp that our problem drinker DOES LOVE US STILL, but now, the alcohol comes first. That's  awful to realise, but its what happens.

Once alcohol takes a grip of someone's mind, it starts to control them. We often think that we are living with a different person - I certainly did - when my wife was drinking. She became someone completely different to her usual self, and I hated the change. I used to long for 'my girl' to come back.

Alcohol wreaks so much damage that it has become regarded as a DISEASE OF THE MIND.
The World Health Organisation certainly classifies it as a disease, and it affects millions throughout the world.

Now here is an important point:

If Alcoholism is a disease, then

I  HAVE  TO TREAT MY DRINKER AS IF  HE/SHE WERE ILL

Think about this: 

If my drinker suffered instead from, say Multiple Sclerosis, would I get mad at him or her????

So we have to learn NOT TO GET MAD AT OUR DRINKER.

He or She is UNWELL - very unwell.

Realising this, we can begin to have empathy for their position - they are in the grip of of sinister, powerful and baffling mental disease.

They need a lot of help from AA - but it may take time for them to realise how deeply in trouble they are, before they reach out for help.

Meanwhile, we have to have empathy and start to look after ourselves. We CANNOT HELP them at this stage. Except by not getting angry with them - they are sick.

I suggest that you look back over some of the earlier posts about caring for oneself.

And remember - you are not alone in this.  Many of us have been where you now are.

I wish you peace in your mind this week.

TRYING TO CONTROL THE DRINKING

One of the natural things we do, when faced with the shock of our loved one's out-of-control drinking, is to try and control it - to STOP it happening.

We probably take the alcohol and pour it down the sink.

It will be replaced, but hidden. So we go looking for it and when we find it, we pour it down the sink.

It will be replaced and hidden in a very secret place. We may spend hours looking for it, but not find it. And the drinking continues.

We may take credit cards or cash away from the drinker so they CAN'T buy any alcohol.

But the drinking continues - somehow the booze gets bought. And drunk.

All of this will drive us nuts if we continue.

Here we have to learn, as I did, that we are POWERLESS over alcohol.  Alcohol affects the drinker's brain so much after a while that getting a drink is the most important thing in the world - to the drinker.

So we have to learn a new way. If we can't control the drinking - WE HAVE TO ACCEPT IT.

This means adopting a DIFFERENT  ATTITUDE - to let the drinking continue without us trying to stop it. Sound crazy???  Well, we have learned that WE will go crazy trying to stop the drinking. We CAN'T.

The HELP pages over on the right cover what I learned - the hard way - and how I got help. Please read these.

WE ARE POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL

This is one of the first, hard things we have to learn, and accept.

That we can do NOTHING, we are POWERLESS over the strength of alcohol once it takes over someone's mind.

We who have lived with alcoholism had to all learn it the hard way: nothing we tried or did stopped our loved one drinking.  NOTHING.

We have to learn a different way of living with our loved one while they drink. That new way means:

Learning to look after ourselves while the drinker continues to drink.

By looking after ourselves, and focusing on OUR needs, we take the pressure off the drinker - they find themselves free of pressure from US, and may begin to think about their problem.

So for today think about this:

KEEP  YOUR  HANDS OFF THE  DRINKER

KEEP YOUR  MIND  OFF THE DRINKER

KEEP  YOUR  MOUTH  OFF THE DRINKER

This is the start of focusing on yourself.

DENIAL

When we first realise, with our stomach crashing to the floor, that we have a REAL problem with our loved one - because they have obviously lost control of their drinking - often we DO NOT WANT TO FACE IT.

We may try every justification to avoid the truth: in my case I convinced myself that my wife was depressed, and that if I could help her get to the bottom of what was worrying her, well, then she would stop drinking, wouldn't she?

WRONG.

I was just in DENIAL that we had a serious problem.  I could NOT admit the shame and helplessness that admitting defeat would bring. I tried not to see the reality.  I was in DENIAL.

Problem is, as long as we do not accept the truth and reality of our situation, we don't seek help.

And so we just plough along, doing what we've always done, so we get what we always got.

Meanwhile our beloved drinker steadily gets more and more under the control of alcohol.  The drinking get worse and bad things start to happen.

One of the most important steps we can take is to ADMIT  WE  HAVE  A  PROBLEM - with alcohol abuse, in our family.