WHEN ARE THINGS GOING TO CHANGE?????

We long for the drinking to stop. We long for the peace of a happy home. We long to get our partner back again - the one we knew, not the person affected by alcohol.

We may begin to realise the extent of the battle ahead for the drinker - how difficult it's going to be to simply (we think simply) stop drinking. But it won't be simple for him/her to stop. It may take many failures before they finally, hopefully, find a reason and a way to stop drinking.

And that is after they start to realise how the drinking is destroying their life and those lives around them.

It's going to be a long haul.

All you can do is to start looking after YOU - start thinking about getting some help as I did.

If you start to work on YOU, then things have got a chance of changing. For the Better. That is the usual experience of thousands of people living with alcoholism.

If you do NOTHING, then we can say that nothing will change.

So really, IT"S UP TO YOU - the drinker can do nothing to help at this stage. They are being dominated by a chemical - alcohol.

Only YOU can change something ...... think about it.  Read the HELP PAGES over on the right.

AM I DENYING THERE'S A PROBLEM?

When we are first confronted with the sight of our drunken partner or child, we can go into a sort of shock. I did.  I could not face the truth: that my wife was getting hopelessly drunk too often.  I blamed depression.  I could not bring myself to face the problem.

This happens to many of us: the TRUTH  IS  TOO HURTFUL  TO  FACE.

We hide what's going on in our home from relatives, friends, neighbours.  WE  ARE  ASHAMED of what is happening.

This is quite normal for us who are forced to live with an active alcohol abuser. And it can go on for some time. We cover things up. We deny there's a problem. We make excuses.

Problem is:  as long as we don't face up to the drinking in our home, NOTHING WILL CHANGE.

ACCEPTING  THAT  WE  HAVE  A  REAL  PROBLEM is the first step to MAKING A CHANGE.

We can start to think about what to do, once we face the problem we have.

It's not the end of the world: we can do something.

Read the HELP PAGES to learn about ways to start getting help.

Read earlier blogs about HOW  WE  ARE  POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL.

I AM NOT THE DRINKER - WHY DO I HAVE TO CHANGE???

Sometimes many of us think: Wait a minute, I'm not the drinker who is abusing alcohol and causing all my problems - so WHY  DO  I  HAVE  TO  CHANGE  MY  WAYS?  The DRINKER should STOP!!

Problem is - the drinker's mind is now being controlled by a chemical substance - alcohol - and they have lost control of their lives.  Their mind tells them that as long as they keep drinking, everything will be OK. The hurt will stop. I won't have to do things I don't want to do. The pain will go away. Whatever.

So your drinker can do nothing to help themselves at this stage.

That means, if you want things to be better - YOU have to take action. Your drinker cannot.

You have a choice:

• keep angry and contemptuous of your drinker, keep abusing them and making things worse,
  
• or try to change something IN YOUR CONTROL that will make YOUR life better

At this stage, you can do NOTHING to help the drinker to stop drinking.

But you are still in control of YOUR life situation.  You CAN take SOME  ACTION that will help yourself.

I recommend reading the HELP PAGES over on the right - there you will find out what I learned which will help to make your life more bearable.

Or you can choose to just leave your drinker.  But if you love them, you will want to stay and try to hold on to your life together, hoping that one day he or she will reach out for help and find the courage to stop drinking.

WHAT CAN I DO - I'M FRUSTRATED !!

We often feel frustrated and angry - and it HURTS to see our loved one on the road to destroying themselves.  We feel so HELPLESS.

Maybe everything we have tried to do has failed - the drinking continued or even got sneaky, went underground - but it continued despite our efforts.

That is because alcohol has taken control over the mind of our loved one. The only thing that matters to our drinker is keeping the supply of booze going. They are in a real pickle and probably hate it. As we do. But they are controlled by the alcohol - it is that powerful.

This sounds wrong and weak perhaps, but the only approach FOR US is a PASSIVE one - action does not work against alcohol.

Here's a few things we CAN do:

• ACCEPT that our loved one is in the grip of a mental disease - Alcoholism
• Have some EMPATHY - they are sick in the mind, being controlled by a chemical
• BACK OFF the pressure or the haranguing - it just does not help anyone
• Let the drinker start to SUFFER the CONSEQUENCES of their drinking
• Do NOT ARGUE with the drinker - they may be trying to provoke you - DON'T  ARGUE
• Start to THINK ABOUT YOUR HEALTH and WELL BEING 
• Because you have to look after yourself - you can do nothing for the drinker.
• READ  THE  HELP  PAGES to learn how I got help.

I wish I could tell you how to stop the drinker from drinking - but no-one apart from your drinker can find the answer - only HE or SHE can find a way to stop.  We can do nothing.

Except look after ourselves and have some compassion.

I AM ANGRY - WHAT CAN I DO?

We all get frustrated and angry with our drinker - sometimes it all gets too much. It's not good, but it's what happens to us.

So next time you feel your anger rising when you look at the state your drinker is in, what can you do?

Its no good to vent your anger on him/her - that may even provoke them to start abusing you, or argue with you,  which will cause your anger to rise and something unwise may happen, which you will regret later.

TRY TO WORK THE ANGER OFF IN A POSITIVE WAY.

Some of the ways of working off anger that people have tried are:

• First thing - just get away from the drinker - stop looking at them - go to another room or outside - just get away fro a while.
  
• Some grab a pillow or cushion and pummel hell out of it - punch it, jump on it, throw it at the wall
  
• Yell obscenities - swear your head off, yell abuse at the wall, yell it all out, scream if you want to
  
• Go for a fast walk - I would NOT say drive a car or ride a bike - that is dangerous when you are angry - JUST WALK or RUN
  
• Write it down - let your anger out on paper - this helps too, and you can throw it away later. President Lincoln once did this - he wrote a letter harshly criticising a commander's actions during the civil war - but he never posted that letter. But he had vented his frustration. We can do the same.

So there are a few things to try that WILL  NOT HARM ANYONE ... I hope you can remember to do something in a positive way the next time you feel anger creeping up on you.

CONSEQUENCES ....

When we live with an active alcohol abuser, there are lots of consequences.

There are consequences for US: the partner, spouse, parent or friend of the drinker.

We may lose sleep, friends, social outings, money, suffer great embarrassment, feel guilt, anger, frustration, deep shame - just to name a few things we go through,  have to put up with.

This is why WE NEED HELP as I have pointed out from my experience - the HELP PAGES show how I got help to survive.

BUT ....
We often cover up the bad things that happen to our drinker - we tell lies, pay for things, clean up the mess, try to cover it all up - mostly because we are SO ASHAMED of what is happening and try to cover it up.

BUT -
Here is a strange thing:  BY US COVERING THINGS UP, THE DRINKER DOES NOT SUFFER ANY CONSEQUENCES FOR THEIR ACTIONS !!!

What is the result?  As far as the drinker is concerned, he or she is UNAWARE of the damage they are causing - BECAUSE WE ARE CLEANING UP THE  MESS THEY CREATE. So the drinker can believe that he/she is doing nothing that is hurting anyone, or themselves. What's the problem? they may ask.

One thing we have to learn is: LET THE DRINKER SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR DRINKING. If they fall down on the floor, we can leave them there. If they vomit,we can  leave them lie in it. Stop lying about why they are not at work. If they run out of money, don't pay the bills. Stop trying to save them. Let them be dragged to court.

This is TOUGH LOVE - but the drinker has to learn that they are doing damage, and the only way that can happen - they will not believe you if you try to tell them - is to have them FEEL the damage they are doing.

We do not have to be nasty to them - they will do nasty things to themselves, and have to realise that.

AN ANSWER TO OUR ANGER

In the early stages of living with an active alcohol abuser, we usually get frustrated (through trying to stop them drinking - a waste of time) then ANGRY.

We may vent our anger out on our drunken loved one. Its not pretty or nice, but it sometimes happens. We feel so desperate and helpless. If you've done this, you will feel guilty. But remember, you are being pushed into insane behavior too. Later you will be able to forgive yourself - you are only human.

But of course venting our anger does not help the situation we are in.

Here is something to think about, to help you reduce your anger.

Our drinker is suffering from a mental disease: Alcoholism. The World Health Organisation recognises Alcoholism as a disease of the mind, and that it is a major problem throughout the world.

Now your loved one has a disease - it could be MS, Aids, Cancer - but it is Alcoholism in their case.

So if your loved one had MS for example, would you get angry at him/her?  I'm sure you would not.

It's no different with alcoholism - they are in the grip of disease, just as bad as the others mentioned.

So think about EMPATHY - your loved one has a major battle on their hands when they will try to stop drinking - it will be THE HARDEST THING THEY WILL HAVE TO DO IN THEIR LIVES.

So when you feel yourself getting angry - think of your loved one as having a MENTAL DISEASE. Then keep your MOUTH shut, your MIND off the drinking, and your MITTS (hands) off him/her.

You can think of this too: your drinker does not want to be like that - but they are helpless at first.

Try this next time you feel anger taking hold of you.