I know how it feels to be ashamed of what's going on in your home.
Ashamed about what the neighbours see or hear.
Ashamed of what the kids see or hear.
Ashamed of the awful things that happen in our home.
We all suffer this at some stage. And we try to cover it all up. Of course we don't really succeed: people are not stupid.
So we start to isolate from friends, neighbours, our families .... because we feel so ashamed.
When I finally got to Al-Anon meetings on a regular basis, I learned that it is not ME that ought to feel ashamed. It was NOT ME doing those crazy and destructive things.
I learned too, that I did NOT CAUSE the drinking, and that I could NOT CONTROL it, nor could I CURE IT. Only the drinker can do those things.
I MYSELF HAD NO REASON TO FEEL ASHAMED.
And in fact, by covering things up I was making it worse - BECAUSE THE DRINKER DID NOT SEE THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS or HER ACTIONS - I made life bearable for them. They could keep drinking, because nothing was going wrong was it? I was covering it all up.
It helped to know I was not responsible for causing the drinking.
I learned to stop feeling ashamed.
I stopped covering up the mess - if something was going to happen, I let the drinker suffer it.
Nothing life threatening of course - but things like falling over dead drunk on the floor - I learned to leave her there, so she would wake up on the floor, not in our nice bed.
If shame is a problem for you, please make contact with Al-Anon - people there know about how you feel, and you will not feel so alone.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
I LOVE HIM/HER - SO WHY DON'T THEY STOP DRINKING??
Ever felt this way? I know I did when my wife continued drinking despite me asking, pleading with her to stop.
Shouldn't they stop drinking because of all the damage they are doing to your relationship? Surely they must know the hurt they are causing!
Well, NO, THEY DO NOT KNOW the damage they are doing, while they are drinking.
Despite how WE feel, THEIR MIND is being CONTROLLED by alcohol - and alcohol is far, far more powerful than any love our problem drinker may feel for us.
Most likely they DO love us! That's the sad part.
But, their mind is telling them they need a drink, most of the time.
During sober times, and often there are sober times during the drinking. they MAY realise what they are doing is hurting us and their relationship. This can happen.
And this may make them feel very, very guilty and worthless and bad. They may hate themselves.
And the only way to stop that pain is - to have another drink. Because the drink blots everything else out from their mind and they become at peace. For a while.
So this is about the POWER OF ALCOHOL in controlling your loved one's mind.
It is a battle you cannot win.
\
YOU NEED TO GET HELP.
Look over the previous recent posts - I explained where I got help to survive.
Do something for YOU!
Shouldn't they stop drinking because of all the damage they are doing to your relationship? Surely they must know the hurt they are causing!
Well, NO, THEY DO NOT KNOW the damage they are doing, while they are drinking.
Despite how WE feel, THEIR MIND is being CONTROLLED by alcohol - and alcohol is far, far more powerful than any love our problem drinker may feel for us.
Most likely they DO love us! That's the sad part.
But, their mind is telling them they need a drink, most of the time.
During sober times, and often there are sober times during the drinking. they MAY realise what they are doing is hurting us and their relationship. This can happen.
And this may make them feel very, very guilty and worthless and bad. They may hate themselves.
And the only way to stop that pain is - to have another drink. Because the drink blots everything else out from their mind and they become at peace. For a while.
So this is about the POWER OF ALCOHOL in controlling your loved one's mind.
It is a battle you cannot win.
\
YOU NEED TO GET HELP.
Look over the previous recent posts - I explained where I got help to survive.
Do something for YOU!
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
SO, WHY DO I NEED TO GET HELP??
You may say to yourself - why do I need help??? I'm not the one drinking!!
I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM!
I have to tell you - YES YOU ARE! YOU DO HAVE A PROBLEM!
YOU are in love, or caring for, a sick person who is now controlled by a sinister, cunning and baffling disease which controls the mind - Alcoholism.
Your drinker is probably blissfully unaware that they have a problem at all - but YOU know they have a problem!
You are the one suffering - cancelling invitations, wiping up the mess, making excuses, trying to hide the SHAME of it all. And probably - you are all alone. You can't tell anyone, you are ashamed of what's happening in your house, you tell lies to cover things up, struggle to make ends meet when most of the money goes on booze.
Can you SEE THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM now?
The thing is - it is extremely difficult to find a way to live with all this using your own instincts. Often what we have to do is not intuitive - we have to do things that are different perhaps.
It is only in Al-Anon Family Groups that we find the distilled knowledge of people who have lived with alcoholism and survived, and gone on to better lives, even if the drinker still drinks or not.
Al-Anon is run by people like us - people living with alcoholism. And their knowledge and wisdom is what we find in the Al-Anon meetings.
As I said last week - GIVE AL-ANON A TRY, AS I DID, and find effective help.
I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM!
I have to tell you - YES YOU ARE! YOU DO HAVE A PROBLEM!
YOU are in love, or caring for, a sick person who is now controlled by a sinister, cunning and baffling disease which controls the mind - Alcoholism.
Your drinker is probably blissfully unaware that they have a problem at all - but YOU know they have a problem!
You are the one suffering - cancelling invitations, wiping up the mess, making excuses, trying to hide the SHAME of it all. And probably - you are all alone. You can't tell anyone, you are ashamed of what's happening in your house, you tell lies to cover things up, struggle to make ends meet when most of the money goes on booze.
Can you SEE THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM now?
The thing is - it is extremely difficult to find a way to live with all this using your own instincts. Often what we have to do is not intuitive - we have to do things that are different perhaps.
It is only in Al-Anon Family Groups that we find the distilled knowledge of people who have lived with alcoholism and survived, and gone on to better lives, even if the drinker still drinks or not.
Al-Anon is run by people like us - people living with alcoholism. And their knowledge and wisdom is what we find in the Al-Anon meetings.
As I said last week - GIVE AL-ANON A TRY, AS I DID, and find effective help.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
WHERE DO YOU GET HELP???
Loving and trying to live with an active drinker is a hard, lonely life. One may soon lose friends and have no-one to talk to who understands your situation. We mostly try to cover it all up and isolate ourselves.
That's what I did. I felt so ashamed of all the things that were happening, and of my angry feelings too.
Where I found help that worked was at - AL-ANON FAMILY GROUP MEETINGS.
You have probably never heard of Al-Anon, but I bet you have heard of AA - Alcoholics Anonymous.
Al-Anon is for the RELATIVES and FRIENDS of Alcoholics, and uses the same effective program of recovery as AA does. It was set up for families of alcoholics over 60 years ago.
You don't hear of AL-Anon because we do not advertise. We send information out into the community and hope those that need us find us.
SO WHAT IS AL-ANON?
At a weekly Al-Anon family group meeting you will find NO PROFESSIONALS, no counsellors, no trained therapists, and no fees.
You WILL find people like you and me, people who have suffered from someone else's drinking and found help at Al-Anon meetings.
The people at an Al-Anon meeting will UNDERSTAND YOU because - we have been where you are now. We know what it's like.
We share our experiences and this is how we help each other - we learn from each other and read Al-Anon literature. Even the Al-Anon literature has been written by people living with alcoholics, not university graduates. People from around the world like you and me. Yes I still go to Al-Anon meetings. Because it teaches a lovely way to live, even after the alcoholic may have stopped drinking, as my wife has.
We are self supporting by our own VOLUNTARY donations - so if you are broke, you can still attend meetings.
Look at the latter HELP pages and find if there is an Al-Anon meeting near you. Al-Anon has meetings in most countries around the world.
Have a look. Take a definite step to get some help.
You will rarely be able to cope for long on your own.
Try it.
That's what I did. I felt so ashamed of all the things that were happening, and of my angry feelings too.
Where I found help that worked was at - AL-ANON FAMILY GROUP MEETINGS.
You have probably never heard of Al-Anon, but I bet you have heard of AA - Alcoholics Anonymous.
Al-Anon is for the RELATIVES and FRIENDS of Alcoholics, and uses the same effective program of recovery as AA does. It was set up for families of alcoholics over 60 years ago.
You don't hear of AL-Anon because we do not advertise. We send information out into the community and hope those that need us find us.
SO WHAT IS AL-ANON?
At a weekly Al-Anon family group meeting you will find NO PROFESSIONALS, no counsellors, no trained therapists, and no fees.
You WILL find people like you and me, people who have suffered from someone else's drinking and found help at Al-Anon meetings.
The people at an Al-Anon meeting will UNDERSTAND YOU because - we have been where you are now. We know what it's like.
We share our experiences and this is how we help each other - we learn from each other and read Al-Anon literature. Even the Al-Anon literature has been written by people living with alcoholics, not university graduates. People from around the world like you and me. Yes I still go to Al-Anon meetings. Because it teaches a lovely way to live, even after the alcoholic may have stopped drinking, as my wife has.
We are self supporting by our own VOLUNTARY donations - so if you are broke, you can still attend meetings.
Look at the latter HELP pages and find if there is an Al-Anon meeting near you. Al-Anon has meetings in most countries around the world.
Have a look. Take a definite step to get some help.
You will rarely be able to cope for long on your own.
Try it.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
WHY CAN'T THEY STOP DRINKING??
You may well ask yourself, as I did: IF THEY LOVE ME, WHY CAN'T THEY GIVE UP THE DRINKING?
When we turn to AL-ANON FAMILY GROUPS as I did (in desperation - nothing else worked) I found the answer:
It's not that they DON'T love us - they DO.
It's because ALCOHOL is STRONGER THAN THEIR LOVE FOR US.
We who can control our drinking, do not realise how the drug alcohol has taken control of the mind of our loved one.
It controls their mind now, the only thing, once they pick up that first drink, is where is my next drink coming from?
Their mind is in the grip of a powerful drug - ALCOHOL. Now, nothing else matters. Not you, the kids, the job, the bills, the rent, how they look, NOTHING MATTERS - EXCEPT ALCOHOL.
WHAT CAN WE DO??
SEEK HELP. You most likely will not cope with this on your own. I couldn't. I only found help when I turned to my local Al-Anon Family Group.
There I found people who were, or had, suffered as I was and UNDERSTOOD my problems.
The Al-Anon literature I found to be most helpful in explaining how my loved one was being controlled by alcohol and what I could do about it.
SEEK HELP. YOU CANNOT STOP THE DRINKING.
You have to learn to survive until hopefully, your drinker finds a REASON to stop drinking.
Until then you have to stay sane - check out AL-ANON FAMILY GROUPS.
SEE the HELP PAGES For contact details around the world.
Look up your local Telephone directory. Check it out on the Net.
But Look please - it's the fastest way to sanity and recovery - FOR YOU!
When we turn to AL-ANON FAMILY GROUPS as I did (in desperation - nothing else worked) I found the answer:
It's not that they DON'T love us - they DO.
It's because ALCOHOL is STRONGER THAN THEIR LOVE FOR US.
We who can control our drinking, do not realise how the drug alcohol has taken control of the mind of our loved one.
It controls their mind now, the only thing, once they pick up that first drink, is where is my next drink coming from?
Their mind is in the grip of a powerful drug - ALCOHOL. Now, nothing else matters. Not you, the kids, the job, the bills, the rent, how they look, NOTHING MATTERS - EXCEPT ALCOHOL.
WHAT CAN WE DO??
SEEK HELP. You most likely will not cope with this on your own. I couldn't. I only found help when I turned to my local Al-Anon Family Group.
There I found people who were, or had, suffered as I was and UNDERSTOOD my problems.
The Al-Anon literature I found to be most helpful in explaining how my loved one was being controlled by alcohol and what I could do about it.
SEEK HELP. YOU CANNOT STOP THE DRINKING.
You have to learn to survive until hopefully, your drinker finds a REASON to stop drinking.
Until then you have to stay sane - check out AL-ANON FAMILY GROUPS.
SEE the HELP PAGES For contact details around the world.
Look up your local Telephone directory. Check it out on the Net.
But Look please - it's the fastest way to sanity and recovery - FOR YOU!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
"Happy" New Year - with an alcohol abuser ???
This phrase that rolls off our tongue at this time of year - "Happy New Year!" - may seem very HOLLOW to those living with an active drinker, or alcoholic.
HOW could it be "Happy" ? Everything is destroyed by your drinker!
Things DO NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.
The teachings of the Al-Anon Family Groups have made a difference for thousands around the world, showing how to have some sort of decent life EVEN WHILE LIVING WITH AN ALCOHOLIC.
What teachings? The learning from experience by hundreds of people, distilled into understandable do-it-yourself terms which have helped me and thousands more. These teachings came from EXPERIENCE, not books or some academic's head.
For instance:
YOU can CHOOSE to do something different:
Remember : we are now talking about your SURVIVAL as a rational human being - this is an attempt at retaining YOUR SANITY!
Living with an alcoholic forces us to appreciate the simple things and pleasures of life, that we often take for granted.
BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE AROUND YOU.
FOCUS ON THESE THINGS - NOT YOUR DRINKER!
WHAT's AL-ANON?
Look into those HELP pages and you will find out - that's where I got help and survived living with an active drinker.
HOW could it be "Happy" ? Everything is destroyed by your drinker!
Things DO NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.
The teachings of the Al-Anon Family Groups have made a difference for thousands around the world, showing how to have some sort of decent life EVEN WHILE LIVING WITH AN ALCOHOLIC.
What teachings? The learning from experience by hundreds of people, distilled into understandable do-it-yourself terms which have helped me and thousands more. These teachings came from EXPERIENCE, not books or some academic's head.
For instance:
- The alcoholic is destroying his or her life - that is THEIR CHOICE and you can do NOTHING about it. They have to find a way to stop themselves drinking.
- BUT - YOUR LIFE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE DESTROYED TOO!
- You Can Choose Not to Be Destroyed too
- The secret is ------- DETACHMENT from the DRINKING (NOT the drinker)
YOU can CHOOSE to do something different:
- Let the drinker do what they have to do - drink.
- Because YOU CANNOT get them to stop yourself
- Instead, look for ways to do something for YOURSELF that will make your life better for the day
- Maybe you have to try to do something else for an hour at a time at first, until you get used to the idea
- It means TAKING YOUR ATTENTION OFF THE DRINKER
- AND ONTO YOURSELF.
- Try to do things that you like to do - call a friend or relative, visit someone, get back to that hobby, read, have a bath, have a massage, get a hair job, anything that is for YOU.
Remember : we are now talking about your SURVIVAL as a rational human being - this is an attempt at retaining YOUR SANITY!
Living with an alcoholic forces us to appreciate the simple things and pleasures of life, that we often take for granted.
BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE AROUND YOU.
FOCUS ON THESE THINGS - NOT YOUR DRINKER!
WHAT's AL-ANON?
Look into those HELP pages and you will find out - that's where I got help and survived living with an active drinker.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
SURVIVING CHRISTMAS ...
This is for those of you who are living with an active alcohol abuser.
Christmas should be a time of good cheer, warm family gatherings, a sense of new life, giving, love and peace. For us living with alcohol abuse, it can be the complete opposite.
Family don't come or if they do there's a lot of bad feelings and maybe arguments, plans for lovely Christmas dinners can be ruined, nasty stuff can happen, violence even.
So what can WE do, those of us who choose to live with an active drinker? Well, here are some thoughts that I hope may help you enjoy what you can this Christmas.
Christmas should be a time of good cheer, warm family gatherings, a sense of new life, giving, love and peace. For us living with alcohol abuse, it can be the complete opposite.
Family don't come or if they do there's a lot of bad feelings and maybe arguments, plans for lovely Christmas dinners can be ruined, nasty stuff can happen, violence even.
So what can WE do, those of us who choose to live with an active drinker? Well, here are some thoughts that I hope may help you enjoy what you can this Christmas.
- Don't expect too much - unfulfilled expectations = resentment. So just plan for simple things and don't expect everything to go smoothly. Just take it as it comes. Anything better than you expected is a BONUS!
- Keep it simple - the less arrangements made the fewer apologies you'll have to make if your loved one drinks themself out of it all.
- Plan things that YOU can control - don't rely on your loved one being up and involved. They may be, and that would be a blessing. But organise things to suit yourself.
- Do simple things yourself that you will enjoy or consider important: go to church alone, visit nearby family alone, have a dinner even if you eat it by yourself, go to the movies, whatever.
- Don't fret for what is not - be thankful for what you have. There ARE those worse off than you, I am sure.
- Live in the moment - don't moan over losses nor worry about what else can go wrong - just live minute by minute and enjoy what you can.
- Focus on the true meaning of Christmas - not the commercial hype of present giving. If you're not sure what the true meaning is - find out!
- Remember your loved one is sick - being controlled by the drug alcohol, and is not being nasty just to spoil your Christmas - try to understand how sick he or she is.
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