COPING WITH DISAPPOINTMENTS

Living with an active alcohol abuser ain't for sissies , to take a line from Mae West ("Growing Old Ain't for Sissies") and life is full of let downs, disappointments, expectations dashed, good times lost.

They say they'll stop drinking - but they don't. They agree to go on an outing, or an important event, but be drunk when the time comes and you either go alone or cancel out. You may cook a nice dinner for their birthday and ask the kids or friends around, but they're too drunk when the time comes. They say they'll be fine while your'e away for the day, but you come home to find them drunk again. They forget your birthday, and their own.

That's what it's like - it happens to all of us. But is there something we can do about it?

Well there is, but it's not easy, but I learned to handle this and so can you.

First thing:

• Accept that they have a real, awful mental disease. They are not wicked, just very, very sick.

Next:

• Accept that social things are going to be difficult for BOTH of you to attend. It's not going to happen, or if you do go out they may get dead drunk in the middle of it all.
• Accept that any plans or arrangements you make for both of you are subject to change at a moment's notice.

Finally then:

• Do not build up expectations about anything.
• That means, do not expect things to go the way you want.
• IF YOU DON'T BUILD UP EXPECTATIONS THEN YOU WILL NOT BE LET DOWN, AND HURT OR HUMILIATED - AGAIN.

Sounds defeatist? Giving up? Shouldn't I keep trying?

Think of it this way: your loved one is in the grip of this disease and has lost control of his/her thinking, most of the time. They will have no concept of what is right or wrong, good or bad, only about the next drink. At the moment they are most likely unable to change anything in their lives.

So YOU have to PROTECT yourself - and the above few tips will help you stay sane and less frustrated.

Read over some of the other posts I have made about related subjects. AND LOOK AFTER YOURSELF.

COPING WITH UNCERTAINTY

When we live with an active alcoholic, we never know what is going to happen next. our life together becomes totally unpredictable, disrupted, uncertain.

All sorts of awful things can happen: I have heard of :

• someone's husband walking around the neighbourhood with no clothes on
• someone's wife falling down drunk at a dance party
• someone's husband falling into a gutter and staying there, in the rain
• someone's wife falling down on the floor at home and staying there, in front of her grandchildren
• someone's wife falling down in the street while on the way to buy more alcohol
• any number of car crashes while someone was drunk and driving

We cannot predict what can happen - so making any plans for outings or to attend functions is almost doomed to failure. I don't know how many invitations I had to refuse or cancel out at the last minute because my wife was drunk.

What can we do?

What I did was to stop making plans for the two of us to go out. I just did things on my own. Often I would leave my wife asleep on the lounge and I'd go out and have a nice coffee and stroll around for a while. I'd come home and she would not even know I had been away.

I accepted that she would rather drink that go out with me.  Hard, but I had to accept the power of alcohol over her brain.

So I slowly began to build a life for myself, and left her to her own devices - drinking usually.

Until SHE reached out for help, I learned to look after myself and do some things that I enjoyed.

And kept hoping that one day she would want to stop drinking and reach out to AA for help.

Which she finally did, after some eight years.  I had to learn to look after myself for all those years- how I did this is explained in the HELP PAGES opposite.

COPING WITH FRUSTRATION

One of the things that happens when living with an alcohol abuser is that we get to feel FRUSTRATED:

• Frustrated that the drinking continues despite all we do
• Frustrated because the drinker does not seem to want to stop drinking
• Frustrated that we can do nothing ....

And all of this is what naturally happens to us, living with a drinker.

What can we do?

One thing to think about is : ARE  WE  EXPECTING  TOO  MUCH?

Are we expecting the drinker to feel horrified - as we perhaps are - at all the things that now happen?

Are we expecting the drinker to see what they are doing to themselves - and everyone around them - and really try to stop drinking?

Maybe we are expecting too much from the drinker - they are on a long journey to recovery even if they are trying to stop right now. Their mind is under the control of a cunning, powerful and baffling disease, caused by the excessive drinking of alcohol.

Maybe we should reconsider our expectations - are we expecting too much too soon?

Think about letting go of any expectation you may have that the drinker MUST soon stop.  It probably will not happen, until they start to reach out for help.

It has been said that:  Building up our expectations simply sets us up for disappointments and frustration.

Instead, try to accept where the drinker now is, good or bad, and start to think about YOURSELF.

Think about getting help for yourself - the drinker needs AA and nothing much can happen until they decide to go to AA - forcing them to go will not work - they have to be willing to go to AA.

Concentrate more on YOUR  NEEDS and what help you can get. Check out the HELP PAGES.

WHEN ARE THINGS GOING TO CHANGE?????

We long for the drinking to stop. We long for the peace of a happy home. We long to get our partner back again - the one we knew, not the person affected by alcohol.

We may begin to realise the extent of the battle ahead for the drinker - how difficult it's going to be to simply (we think simply) stop drinking. But it won't be simple for him/her to stop. It may take many failures before they finally, hopefully, find a reason and a way to stop drinking.

And that is after they start to realise how the drinking is destroying their life and those lives around them.

It's going to be a long haul.

All you can do is to start looking after YOU - start thinking about getting some help as I did.

If you start to work on YOU, then things have got a chance of changing. For the Better. That is the usual experience of thousands of people living with alcoholism.

If you do NOTHING, then we can say that nothing will change.

So really, IT"S UP TO YOU - the drinker can do nothing to help at this stage. They are being dominated by a chemical - alcohol.

Only YOU can change something ...... think about it.  Read the HELP PAGES over on the right.

AM I DENYING THERE'S A PROBLEM?

When we are first confronted with the sight of our drunken partner or child, we can go into a sort of shock. I did.  I could not face the truth: that my wife was getting hopelessly drunk too often.  I blamed depression.  I could not bring myself to face the problem.

This happens to many of us: the TRUTH  IS  TOO HURTFUL  TO  FACE.

We hide what's going on in our home from relatives, friends, neighbours.  WE  ARE  ASHAMED of what is happening.

This is quite normal for us who are forced to live with an active alcohol abuser. And it can go on for some time. We cover things up. We deny there's a problem. We make excuses.

Problem is:  as long as we don't face up to the drinking in our home, NOTHING WILL CHANGE.

ACCEPTING  THAT  WE  HAVE  A  REAL  PROBLEM is the first step to MAKING A CHANGE.

We can start to think about what to do, once we face the problem we have.

It's not the end of the world: we can do something.

Read the HELP PAGES to learn about ways to start getting help.

Read earlier blogs about HOW  WE  ARE  POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL.

I AM NOT THE DRINKER - WHY DO I HAVE TO CHANGE???

Sometimes many of us think: Wait a minute, I'm not the drinker who is abusing alcohol and causing all my problems - so WHY  DO  I  HAVE  TO  CHANGE  MY  WAYS?  The DRINKER should STOP!!

Problem is - the drinker's mind is now being controlled by a chemical substance - alcohol - and they have lost control of their lives.  Their mind tells them that as long as they keep drinking, everything will be OK. The hurt will stop. I won't have to do things I don't want to do. The pain will go away. Whatever.

So your drinker can do nothing to help themselves at this stage.

That means, if you want things to be better - YOU have to take action. Your drinker cannot.

You have a choice:

• keep angry and contemptuous of your drinker, keep abusing them and making things worse,
  
• or try to change something IN YOUR CONTROL that will make YOUR life better

At this stage, you can do NOTHING to help the drinker to stop drinking.

But you are still in control of YOUR life situation.  You CAN take SOME  ACTION that will help yourself.

I recommend reading the HELP PAGES over on the right - there you will find out what I learned which will help to make your life more bearable.

Or you can choose to just leave your drinker.  But if you love them, you will want to stay and try to hold on to your life together, hoping that one day he or she will reach out for help and find the courage to stop drinking.

WHAT CAN I DO - I'M FRUSTRATED !!

We often feel frustrated and angry - and it HURTS to see our loved one on the road to destroying themselves.  We feel so HELPLESS.

Maybe everything we have tried to do has failed - the drinking continued or even got sneaky, went underground - but it continued despite our efforts.

That is because alcohol has taken control over the mind of our loved one. The only thing that matters to our drinker is keeping the supply of booze going. They are in a real pickle and probably hate it. As we do. But they are controlled by the alcohol - it is that powerful.

This sounds wrong and weak perhaps, but the only approach FOR US is a PASSIVE one - action does not work against alcohol.

Here's a few things we CAN do:

• ACCEPT that our loved one is in the grip of a mental disease - Alcoholism
• Have some EMPATHY - they are sick in the mind, being controlled by a chemical
• BACK OFF the pressure or the haranguing - it just does not help anyone
• Let the drinker start to SUFFER the CONSEQUENCES of their drinking
• Do NOT ARGUE with the drinker - they may be trying to provoke you - DON'T  ARGUE
• Start to THINK ABOUT YOUR HEALTH and WELL BEING 
• Because you have to look after yourself - you can do nothing for the drinker.
• READ  THE  HELP  PAGES to learn how I got help.

I wish I could tell you how to stop the drinker from drinking - but no-one apart from your drinker can find the answer - only HE or SHE can find a way to stop.  We can do nothing.

Except look after ourselves and have some compassion.