SO IF THERE IS ALCOHOL ABUSE, WHAT DO I DO??

What do you do when your loved one has obviously lost control of his/her drinking?

Usually, confronting them with the accusation of drinking too much will be met with full on denial, with perhaps something flung back at you.

What usually happens is a long series of heated arguments about the drinking problem, and all the time the drinking will continue or even get worse.

You can try all the arguments you like to try to "bring your loved one to their senses", but all you will get is arguments back at you.

You can try these arguments if you like, none of them will stop the drinking:

• If you loved me you would stop drinking!
• You are ruining our lives by your drinking!
• I can't talk to you anymore!
• What's happening to us?
• Why do you drink so much?
• I hate it when you drink, please STOP!
• Can't you see what you are doing to US?

None of this will change the drinking.  But there must be SOMETHING I can do?

There is.  BREAK  THE CYCLE  OF  ARGUMENTS

1. REALISE  THAT  YOU  CANNOT  STOP  THE  DRINKING.

2. STOP ARGUING ABOUT IT.

3. START THINKING ABOUT HOW YOU ARE GOING TO COPE WITH THE SITUATION.

IS MY LOVED ONE'S DRINKING OUT OF CONTROL?

How do you know if your loved one has lost control of his/her drinking?  When should you become concerned?  Some people can drink a lot - but they can leave it - they can stop. Maybe they drink too much by your standards, but they may just be heavy drinkers.

You can begin to suspect that your loved one has 'lost control' of drinking if:

• You notice that he/she is drinking alone, or during the day, or at some inappropriate time.
  It may come as a shock to suddenly realise that your loved one seems to be drinking most of the time, whether you are present or not. They always seem to have a drink in their hand. Maybe you find them drunk just before Aunt Mary comes for dinner. They may be asleep a lot during the day, and maybe up all night when you are trying to sleep.
• You notice that they cannot have just one drink.
  Being unable to just enjoy one drink and always having more could be a sign that alcohol is taking over their lives. The first drink leads to many, maybe turning into a binge.
  
• Their drinking may become secretive.
  You may find that you don't actually SEE them drinking any more - but you notice the smell of alcohol is often on their breath, or you may find empty bottles or cans in the garbage bin. You may stumble across some alcohol stashed away somewhere.
  
• Their normal behaviour changes.
  If you live with someone for a time, you will know their 'normal' behaviour toward you. If you find them acting differently - moody, argumentative, boisterous, violent, sulky, withdrawn, losing interest in daily matters, taking days off from work - then maybe their alcohol abuse is behind the changed behaviour.

In short, if they would seem to want to drink rather than do anything else, then you should be concerned - alcohol is taking over control of their lives.  You have a problem drinker.

I FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I ABUSE MY DRINKER

This happens because we get so angry at what the drinker is doing - destroying our lives - that it seems only natural to rant and rave at him/her, or even worse. We feel justified in giving them "a hard time" - because look at what they are doing to us!!

That's what we may think.

But all that happens is - venting our anger on the drinker only

 GIVES HIM A REASON TO DRINK MORE!

To escape from the constant haranguing, shouting, arguing, putting down, belittling, abusing, swearing at, or even worse things that in our rage, we do.

We have to try something different - for our own peace of mind as well as the drinker.

Consider:

• Your drinker is in the grip of a powerful drug, which is controlling his/her mind so much that it has become a DISEASE of the mind: ALCOHOLISM.
• There is NO  CURE  FOR  ALCOHOLISM 
• All an alchoholic can do to escape the terrible plight they are in is to STOP  DRINKING
• This will be the most difficult thing they will probably ever have to do, to stop drinking.
• Some make it, some do not.
• They are SICK.

What WE have to learn to do is:

• Have some COMPASSION - they are sick  : it could be cancer for example
• Stop picking on them
• Instead - think about how WE ARE GOING TO LOOK AFTER OURSELVES
  
  Its hard, BUT WE CAN DO NOTHING TO STOP THEM DRINKING.
  
  Learn to FOCUS ON OUR NEEDS - WHAT CAN WE DO TO MAKE OUR LIFE WITH THE ALCOHOLIC MORE BEARABLE??
  
  If we can learn to do this, often the drinker will start to wonder why they are drinking, because YOU are no longer the cause of their misery.
  
  Try this and see what happens.  Give it a good try.  It takes time to learn to do what I have suggested.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE???

GETTING THROUGH A BAD DAY

Living with an active alcohol abuser means that THEY control what happens to YOU. They are drinking and creating all sorts of problems for YOU.  Some days are really hard to cope with.  What can YOU DO??

The big 'secret' for us who live with a drinker is:

TAKE  OUR MINDS OFF WHAT IS HAPPENING  AROUND US.

What this means is -

• First - let the drinker do what they want - do NOT try to stop them drinking - you cannot!
• Second - focus on YOURSELF.  How?
• Probably at first you have to STOP THINKING ABOUT THE DRINKER
• To begin this, maybe you have to concentrate on your breathing for a while - focus your attention on the inflow and outflow of your breathing.
• Repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over if you have to (see below)
• Start some useful or likeable task that has to be done.
• Concentrate on doing that task, feel it, think about it,
• Go outside or look out of the window - see what is going on out there
• Go for a walk, or do some exercise
• Go to a coffee shop and read the paper or a book
• Do something for YOU (you alone can do nothing to help your drinker)
• Read up on LIVING IN THE PRESENT MOMENT - there's a lot of literature on this.
  
• Your aim is to learn to detach yourself from what the drinker is doing, by focussing your attention on doing something that takes your mind off everything else.

  
  

  
  

  The Serenity Prayer.
  "God,

  Grant  me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

  Courage, to change the things I can,

  And Wisdom to know the difference."

I WANT TO LEAVE MY DRINKER, BUT I CAN'T AFFORD TO

This is a situation that crops up - you cannot bear what the drinker is doing to you and your family but you can't leave because of age or finances.  It seems hopeless.

So there are two things possible - GO ANYWAY and find a way to cope, or STAY and PUT UP WITH IT. People I know have done both.

If you have to stay despite everything, then you had better try to change something to help you cope. Otherwise you'll keep getting what you are getting.  It would be good to find ways to lessen the burden on yourself.

Perhaps as a start, read the previous post about "Living with an alcoholic" - that may give you some ideas.

What you have to try is find a way to reduce the impact of your drinker on YOU.  Usually the first step is to realise that you are NOT RESPONSIBLE for his/her drinking.  You are not to blame.  They don't have to drink because of you.

Then we have to learn to DETACH from the drinking - not the drinker - the drinking. Read that earlier post which covers this. Just let the drinker go and do what they want - you are powerless anyway. Stop fighting them.  Start to think about what YOU want to do, what YOU would like to do.  You don't HAVE to be controlled by the drinking.

By stopping any beating on the drinker you free them up to realise that it's THEIR problem, not yours.

Above all, try to get to an Al-Anon meeting or find some Al-Anon literature.  That will help you find a way to live with the situation.

It's not easy, but people learn to do it.

DEALING WITH A BUST

Today I would like to talk about one of the most difficult times to deal with, when living with an alcoholic.

Often there are periods when your loved one does not drink, and you think that it's all over, it's finished.

And then for no apparent reason, the drinking starts again. OH  NO!!!

Your tummy sinks to the floor with that horrible empty feeling, you may feel anger and resentment rise up in you.  You feel like telling them off with angry words, or worse. Withdrawing love. Freezing over.

DOES  NOT  HELP  ONE  BIT.

The best thing to do is, try to accept it for what it is - another step along the road to their eventual (we hope) recovery.  Seldom I think does someone just stop drinking, it may take them lots of attempts.

Mostly a person who is TRYING to stop drinking will go for periods with no alcohol, then bust again.  This pattern may go on for some time until one day they find A REASON  TO  STOP  DRINKING.

Vent your anger in some other way - exercise or similar. Don't take it our on your drinker. That will only make their GUILT - yes they feel GUILT - about their drinking get worse. Try to remember they are suffering from a disease - could be diabetes or something else - and try to have some compassion.

What you CAN do is stop (if you are doing this) STOP covering up the mess so that they feel no consequences to their drinking. You are only prolonging their drinking - because if they see no damage from their drinking, WHY STOP?

YOU have to let the nasty things happen that follow from their drinking, so that they SEE what they've done. This won't stop them drinking, not yet, but it will start to dawn on them that they are causing problems. Of course I do not mean letting life threatening things, just the natural outcomes of their drinking. Let them wake up on the floor, not  tucked into bed by you. Let them wake up covered in vomit. Let their friends see them dead drunk. Let them get sacked. It's called TOUGH  LOVE. We let things happen so they will start to understand about consequences.  We give them a reason to think about stopping.

All of the above assumes that your drinker has reached the stage of wanting to stop drinking.  It's the biggest battle they will have in their life.

But if your dinker is happy to continue drinking, then you really must let them suffer the consequences of their drinking. It's not your problem - it's their problem.

LIVING WITH AN ALCOHOL ABUSER

Although the abuse of alcohol is becoming recognised as one of Western society's looming problems, the damage caused by an abuser on those close to him/her is still not a large issue in the mind of the public.

This can make us feel ISOLATED -  I don't dare tell anyone - no one cares - I'm all alone .....

While the physical violence stemming from alcohol abuse is well reported, what is still ignored is the emotional damage and also physical violence inflicted upon those around the abuser.  So the accepted figure of six people affected by any one alcoholic represents harm inflicted upon spouses, children, parents, relatives and friends, even colleagues.

You are NOT ALONE - there are thousands of us around the world affected by someone's excessive drinking.

Not knowing any better, many of those close to an alcoholic unwittingly "enable" the drinking to continue by covering up any damage done,  making excuses, paying bills, lying to the boss, concealing the truth.  In fact most of the things we do to try to stop someone drinking actually make things worse.

And the drinker will mostly have no earthly idea of the damage being done around him/her and will not even remember the sometimes degrading things that happen while on a binge.  So with someone patching things up, and no bad memories, why stop drinking?  After all, in the drinker's mind, there is no problem, is there?

If you are suffering because of a loved one's alcohol abuse, the way to find commonsense, low cost and effective help is via your nearest Al-Anon Family Group.

You can make a start to a better life by working slowly through the "HELP PAGES" shown on the right - they cover the way that I found help and the way to a better life.

I hope that you find help in these pages - this blog is for YOU.